Listening: Gilt, Machines of Loving Grace

I got copies of the three MLG albums from Agent Orange for my birthday and it occured to me that I don't know where the third one is. I haven't recoreded it onto Real Jukebox so.... hmmm. Too bad, I kinda liked them before, but I *really* like them now.

I've read over some of my recent entries and felt like in the past week or two I haven't said anything of much consequence even in my own little space. Not that it's required, of course, this is only a little journal not a manifesto. But it's still a little disappointing. I don't feel like there's much I can point to and say this quote or that paragraph is totally "me." Of course, with a nickname like Nobody you might guess that identity has been something of an issue for me and you wouldn't be far off.

But anyway over the course of the weekend I've tried starting a couple of entries and tried again earlier today but I just don't feel like I have anything to say beyond a laundry list of my activities since my last entry (two mage games, one I PC'd and one I ran, transcribed several pages of Laws of Ascencion onto a cheat sheet for newbie players, went to see Spider-Man yesterday) and that's really just not very interesting. Well Spider-Man was very interesting and very fun. Fans of the comic and of thrillers will not be disappointed (though it was vanilla in several was - there was only one part with blood and it was a telling part of the plot). But it had spiders. Lot's of 'em. If you don't like 'em, and I do not like them, have someone tell you the gist of the setting and then wander in about half hour into the movie. Really wish I weren't arachnaphobic sometimes...then I remember spiders are evil.

Today got to work at a descent time, buried myself into work, happily accepted my paycheck (I otherwise had about one hundred dollars, all told, to my name), and set about paying bills. Still not interesting. Checked my horoscope and it's left me quite dispirited.

The thing is it's not writer's block exactly, it's not a lack of ideas, I don't feel like I've "lost my muse" or whatever. I just can't remember what I liked about art, what liked about making a show of my thoughts and ideas. It came out of the Mage game, this much I know. I just came to a point where I realized I'm exhausted by fighting, arguing and defending my position on how certain out looks of Mage with my best friends. Now Mage is a venue with a *LOT* of leeway. The books are replete with statements like "the final fact is up to you (the storyteller)." So you would think that as the storyteller I get things my way a lot, but that's far from the case. Maybe I just haven't been explaining myself well but unlike anyother venue, Mage is just extremely hazy in its definition of just about everything.

And I'm really just thoroughly frustrated with people who have a mentality of solving their problems that involves either attacking and destroying whatever stands in their way. I don't want to give them the answer and I don't want create the solutions within the bounds of the game so that they never have to test themselves, but I'm not sure what I'm left with. If a frontal assault proves fruiless the players/PCs sit around wondering why they keep playing in a game where they can't do anything and I am left wondering why I bother.

Above all else I like to create things that makes people think. Storytelling is a smaller creative outlet that putting on a play because the players are the audience and vice versa. Usually I like to get people (in a theatre) setting to question their own beliefs in authorities (please see Timothy Leary) and the percieved limitations of natural/societal roles. I love agit-prop theatre, I love stuff with political themes because the best of them get right into the heart of human interaction and the occasional lack thereof (reread Antigone), I also adore Tom Stoppard who loves to poke the very edges of reality, make-believe and performance art (performance art being the dumping ground of statements made using living people that isn't quite musical or theatrical...).

But it's left me wondering. At its essence art is meant to communicate something that can't quite be conveyed through normal dialogue. (Well, that, and the attention-starved use it to gain adoration.) Also, art is meant to push communication by pure numbers. Hillary Clinton has given many speeches and will continue to give many speeches but writing a book (bare with me now, I know I'm calling something art when it might not have been intended as such, but this is only an example) has ensured that her words are not changed no matter how many times they are examined, and they can reach people in greater numbers (usually) than her speeches. Toss in the fact that the book will be around longer than her political career and there you are.

But my problem is that of communication. I've met plenty of somewhat snooty artists who strongly believe that if their "message" didn't make it to their audience it's the audience's fault. I don't entirely think that's off-base, but I think that greatly underestimates the situation.

ack... gotta go. more on this later, promise.