Listening: lots and lots of NIN

Today has been really weird mood and attention-wise. Even getting ready for work I found myself (several times) just sitting on the edge of the bed with an article of clothing half way on and just starring off into space.

As I was assembling my things to take to work and then to the Mage game tonight I was filled with a strong sense of revulsion for the workplace. It's like my brain did everything it could to protest coming here. Molasses said I should take a mental health day but I don't want the Powers That Be to get mad at me. The only real thing I have in my favor here is my productivity, which is good because apparently my quality has been in the shitter for awhile. }:P So I'm dealing with it, but I can't deal with it if I'm "sick."

But I wish I were sick. *sigh* The close I got work the more I felt like a cat being lowerd into a basin of water for bath. I kept trying to come up with reasons for going somewhere else rather than to work... arg. I was hoping I would hear today about my vacation request but I forgot that my supervisor is off on Fridays, so now I have to wait till Monday.

The bright spot, though, is that KROQ was actually useful today as the only email their newsletter/street team-thingie they've ever sent me arrived today. The only content on it was the information for the pre-sale to Tool's show (which I only got the official date yesterday). I raced to the site and looked up the tickets, but of course they're miles from the stage. Since it's a pre-sale all the tickets are in the rafters. But the email also noted that the real onsale is tomorrow at eleven. Since I can't make that (I'll be taking a 5k stroll around USC in my part to fight breast cancer), I've been trying to find someone to go stand in line for me. But I can't. So I have two tickets for really far away. Well at least I have tickets. So that's one of my summer goals marked off. *smiles*

I'm putting off calling my HMO and going back to some things I've been putting off. But I'm still ticked at my doctor's appointment yesterday. Had to get a refill signed off for my pills and normally that takes about two minutes because all they really have to do is check your blood pressure. But the receptionist/nurse who has dealt with me regularly for a year and a half seemed to not remember or why I was there and told me to wait until the doctor was free. Which took an hour.

arg. I wish I could say that was uncommon, but that is par for the course. I've had to wait over two hours for exactly the same thing. And then to top it off when I got to the doctor (who isn't really the doctor, they usually have an assistant in there, *sometimes*) she looked over my records and noticed that I haven't had a pap smear in over a year and nearly didn't refill the thing. She gave me one refill rather than three and told me to make another appointment for the pap. No way, not after the last one. I know it won't be less painfull with some one else, but hopefully someone else will know how to bill the labwork to my insurance rather than to me.

Managed care is so freaking obnoxious! Why can't I just deal with one person who does most of the work to keep me in one piece? At least all of the work that is directly related to me and my money? I have to deal with the doctor, the receptionist, the insurance and lab all separately and it just grinds me down cause I never know who's talking about what. Makes a girl almost miss Kaiser. Almost.

But of course I could never pay for anything without the insurance which is also more or less rediculous. What kind of sense does it make say that if you can afford it, you should get health insurance so you can afford medical care!?!?! Am I the only person who thinks it's insane that there is no way to conduct one's health care directly with a doctor without _very_ quickly going into hock for ones kidneys?

Insurance is very necessary for me and anyone else who isn't pulling six figures a year. I went for over two years without any coverage and I just thank all kinds of goodness that nothing bad happened, or I'd still be screwed. I'm not sure I'm all that for universal health care, but maybe for figuring out why everything related to investigating a person's health and treating and/or fixing something is so friggin expensive. Sheesh, if the mighty HMO's don't want to pay for stuff, who on this planet thinks that the individual who can't afford independent health care on her own wants/is able to pay for it on her own?!?

*sighs* On a slightly related note my sister is screwed. In so many ways I don't have time to list them all here. I really, really, really wish I could help her but she's on my mom's HMO so at least the kid's birth will be affordable. But that means my sister needs my mom and that's about the least healthy thing for her mentallity/emotions right now, short of going to live with Robert.

arg... I wish I knew how to talk to her.