And All that Could have Been, Nine Inch Nails

I actually managed to ruin this weekend for myself just by thinking about work. About coming back here. About staring at more Web sites. About stressing over grammar and our obscure and counter-intuitive rules. Thinking about my manager and how inept he is even at merely relating to us (this is a new situation as my current manager was only recently promoted to his position and prior to that promotion he seemed to understand the plight of the editor very well). And of course worrying that my time clock add up correctly.

Dear God, what did I do that was so screwed up that my life revolves around an online punch clock?? Whatever happened to just showing up, doing the work assigned, and having that count as clear evidence of my existence/effectiveness at work.

I need another line of work.

True, there is far worse out there. This job really isn't all that stressful, by its nature. It's actually fairly laid back as things go. But the "support" structure that keeps the company running is really the stressful aspect, not to mention all of the managers who suddenly realize they don't have a job definition and have to take evasive maneuvers which means my job gets more uncomfortable. Of course, I've also wanted to branch out into other aspects of the jobs my department covers, and so they've had us training in other things, but dramatic advancement into other facets of a relationship with a client is held to a select few as that is a direct (and pretty much the only) path to advancement in ones responsiblity (ie that's how people get promoted to management).

So I meant to enjoy myself this weekend, and I did, a little. But I'm still worried because I don't have very much money. I embarked on an attempt to keep my books balanced and quit borrowing from myself against future pay checks, but it looks like it's still not going to happen. I can't say I'm surprised but it's frustrating.

This comes together with thoughts that I need to not work here anymore in a very troubling way. This is the best job I've ever had as it pays me the most, has benefits (health, 401k, espp, etc), overtime is offered, and of course free access to every corner of the Net. I HATE job hunting, and I don't know how I'd even go about finding a job that I *wanted* to do every day.

I should stay on track with theatre. Definately that is a must, but I can already imagine it wrecking my life - such as it is. Such work is usually done in the evenings and on the weekends. I have no idea what it takes to get a job in theatre that actually pays and as for benefits...well unless it's a benefit to never see your boyfriend and only keep friends who are also in theatre (or just plain unemployed) then there really aren't any.

Told someone yesterday that I have a degree in Theatre, so of course I'd rather be doing theatre than working for the Man. He turned around and said "yeah we'd all like to spend more time on our hobbies." If I had any energy after my soul had been sucked out by work I might just have killed him. As it was I just stared at him and then walked away before I started crying.

I've tried entertaining the notions of normal life - the sort of things my friends seem to want. A house, a spouse, a kid or two, a nice car, a stock portfolio that isn't in the shitter. How bad could it be to save my vacation days for two weeks at a time share in Cabo San Lucas? Millions upon millions of hardworking women do things like data entry and other forms of paper pushing and they are not the poorer for it. They marry, have kids, keep their houses nice, sometimes even without help, they confer with their husbands about where the money should go, how best to save for the kids' colleges, how to encourage their kids to expand their minds and strengthen their bodies and they raise fine and good families.

But I can't get over my aversion to such a position. I have literally no interest in being a mother. I have no real interest in owning property - not realistically anyway, the idea of a cabin in the woods half a day's drive from *anything* commercial is really appealing. While I understand that the system and that's how it can maintain so many people on such a tremendous scale and that's why it needs so many people to do paper-pushing-type things, I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my time doing that in a big, unforgiveable way.

I can pin my hopes on getting more money later, but time is non-renewable.

Maybe what the poets say is true and having a kid can make up for that. Maybe life's meaning becomes crystal clear when you look into the eyes of a child you created. But seems like a *really* steep cost just for finding your way in the world. But I'm not really looking for meaning. I know the direction I want to go in. It's just a mighty unfeasible way for anyone who is not independently wealthy.

So I found myself thinking over just how bad it could be if I just gave in and accepted that I'm not on this earth to try and move mountains, and the more time I waste trying to do just that the more I'm just going to hang around and be unhappy with myself instead of moving forward and affecting that which I can.

I've been terribly tired lately, but it's not really from lack of sleep or even exercise as general discontentment with how my life is working iteself out and my general inability to affect it for the better.

I'm probably being impatient. For a good while there all I wanted was a job that paid a living wage. I have it now, and managed to keep it for over a year and a half. If it's time to move on I guess I can't just expect everything to develop all at once. *sighs*

I'm tired.