holy crap management liked an idea of mine.

it's either butt kissing because management got in trouble for treating us peons like... peons... or he actually thinks it'll work. I mostly suggested cause he asked for feedback on idea I thought was totally stupid. I didn't want to write back saying "hey that's stupid" (not quite the team spirit) so I asked for something I thought would be...extreme. Management says (to me at least) it's a great idea. Just goes to show these people do not speak the same language as the rest of us.

fuck my arms hurt. haven't quite perfected dumping ideas directly onto the 'puter yet. wish I could cause each keystroke makes my right hand and arm ache even more. I try to make up for it by reaching more with my left hand but I know that's just gonna make my laft hand hurt later (mostly between the carpals in the thick of my hand and between my knuckles).

stupid repetitive stress.

the ticker number jumped through the roof since Friday. I feel lame cause I haven't posted anything useful since *last* monday. There's a private entry in there but it's private cause I lost the thread on what I was trying to say and haven't found the inspiration to go back to it. It was probably lame anyway.

didn't sleep well last night. every teeny tiny switch in the amount of light or noise in the room woke me up. it's not as bad as all that. I wasn't tired last night, which is why it was easy to wake me (molasses slept through it all) and I'm somewhat tired and listless today but not totally nodding off (as opposed to last Friday).

It's a Monday sort of tired, which would make more sense if I had done exciting exhausting things last weekend, but I didn't. Mage was Friday night with decent conversation and one near-fight keeping me up till threeish, Saturday Molasses had his eyes *WAY* dilated while doctors tested his eyes in preperation for shooting lasers into them. I want lasers in my eyes. That would be cool. So I did all the driving and we mostly stayed indoors, except we got our cars washed which was *really* nice. We went to see XXX which is as goofy as it looks, but the plot is so not the point. The point is Vin Diesel's beautiful body. duh. Of course now all the critics are going to come out of the woodwork now that he's on their radar and insist that he sucks and is a terrible actor, and, quite possibly, gay. Obviously they never saw Pitch Black. Pity. He's dreeeeeeaaaamy. *grins unabashedly*

Sunday I visited a garou game and played a little bit. I'm trying to watch it. I want to have more to do at these games but my character is one that under *no* circumstances should be making close friends with the regular PCs there. It's okey for now since I'm getting her established, but I have to be careful or people will be pissed OOC when she starts doing her thing IC. *sighs* I also played hookey for a chunk of the game and visited my parent's house. Not too bad. Actually got out before dark. My sister is due in about a month and her room is the same blight it has always been. she tossed all my stuff out on the pretext that she needs room for a crib and baby stuff. I think she needs to throw her stuff out next.

Squire cancelled on me tonight so I don't know what I'm going to do with my free time. Molasses offered to skip class to hang with me and I'm dabating accepting. As per usual I don't have much money left till I get paid again, though I'm waiting on a couple of checks to get cashed.

This week will be only four days, thank goodness. The down side is that Friday we're going to Vegas to game. Not that game, the other kind - the boring kind with rock/paper/sissors. Not that gambling is really all that much fun. I just don't get what people see in it. Sorta like having kids. I don't get it.

But regional Mage is always promising, and Squire is running his last regional Garou game. *sniffsniff*

Also this Saturday is Squire's birthday and he's having a party. I wanna make it fun and decadent, but I'm not sure how far to push it. I have no problem with contained hedonism and debauchery, but Squire is a mite more conservative than I am, and several of his friends are even more so.

So yeah. I'm pretty boring. It's really pathetic because it's getting to a point where I don't even feel the lack of being inspired but I run over the thoughts that have been occupying my time and they are so tedious and mundane I can feel my soul rotting away.

I probably shouldn't write until I actually feel like saying something, but then again this is my frickin journal and it's not really here to entertain anyone, but then again I can't operate in a vaccuum - a lack of an audience always turns into a lack of motivation for me. Don't ask me why, I don't know. If you know me personally you know I'm not a real showboat, I'm not constantly hellbent on getting attention. But also I don't kid myself when I write anything that I could continue with anything write and never care if no one ever read it. Somepeople genuinely write like that. I flat out can't. I fully intend for someone to read what I've written even if I don't know who. It's just that sometimes somewhere between completion and getting a body of work into circulation severe self-doubt (or maybe just a return to sanity) sets in and I often hit cancel or delete or burn the paper. I think the post-modern statement of authenticity is the act of questioning one's authenticity.

Actually I don't, but it seems to be vogue among a lot of writers currently. But I guess it's the job of writers to look at themselves long and hard and study what they sound like and why they sound like that which can sorta lead to funny self-referential spirals. Well I find them kinda funny, your average writer will get thrown into an existential tizzy when he stares at his mirror's reflection for too long and forgets which side of it he's standing on.

I don't have much advice for this, so I'll just reitereate your writing teacher's advice: Just (fucking) write!!!

God I'm so good at solving other people's problems. *sighs* I should probably go into family counselling like Rabbit said. }:P

I have little money and pretty much no prospects at getting more than my usual paycheck. Course I need a high amount and I want roughly $150 more each payperiod. The only effect I've ever had on my weight has been to gain it. ever. except for that one time I had mono. I wonder where my heart's going at any given time, if I should worry that it doesn't do quite the things I expect it to.... I have bills to pay and insurance people to contact, the only foolproof way of getting out and into social situations is to go and do stuff I got tired of doing some four years ago. Diet's suck, I didn't excersize today. And oh yeah: I have a theatre degree that I'm still paying for but have never used.

the only energy Real Life leaves me with is to wallow in misery, but it doesn't even do me the favor of completely consuming me in depression. So I'm down, but I can see that all I have to do is stand (or even sit up straight) and I'll be free of most of the muck. I guess this is better than depression (I'm sure one day I'll actually be depressed and remember this entry and double my desire for death, but that day is not today.) but ultimately I'm feeling lazy and apathetic. Slightly wry in my humor, but no small amount of irritation for my lack of motivation.

blah. At least I can leave now. woo. I get to go home and clean up and then... sit around I guess.

Just one exciting thing after the other.