channeling: Jeff Buckley, "Hallelujah"

Listening: jukebox set to random
"Head Like a Hole," Nine Inch Nails
"Sambatiki," Dead Can Dance
"Killer is Me," Alice in Chains
"Cargo," Ruby
"Kick out the Jams" (Live), Rage Against the Machine
"Don't Panic," Coldplay
"Motivation," Mellowdrone
"Ecstacy," PJ Harvey
"Rakim," Dead Can Dance
"Avatar," DCD
"Oh, Lady be Good!" Ella Fitzgerald
"Polly," Nirvana (Unplugged in New York)
"Electric Light," PJ Harvey
"Strangers," Portisehead
"Piggy," NIN (Nine Inch Nails Live)
"The Wretched," NIN (Live)
"I Miss You (Sunshine Mix)," Bjork (Telegram
"The Wind," PJ Harvey
"New Year's Day," U2
"Rhythm of the Night," Valerai (Moulin Rouge soundtrack)
"El Balaju," Los Jarochos Sones

There have been some idle thoughts spinning round and round my head the past few days meandering wildly occasionally upsetting other carefully designed implemented thought processes.

Among them: Lots of stuff in the world bugs me, it bugs me on an intense level because I firmly believe that this stuff can be stopped, worked out or otherwise eliminated. Mostly I've been thinknig about societal oppression of women and the denial of the family of "that which is ordinary." It's hard to explain. It ranges from understanding that female genital mutilation still occurs to accepting the fact that companies strongly dislike accepting their female employees' reasons for taking off when it's time to have a baby.

I don't really want to rant. If you've been paying any attention all you know which side of these issues I come down on.

But something has been going on inside of me, deep in some little crevice I keep hidden from myself.

I have *no* idea how to explain this so I'll just cut to the chase and hope someone else can tell me what the hell is going on:

I had odd dreams last night that I wouldn't really classify as nightmares but they were kind of unsettling. I was pregnant in them and dealing with the repercussions (rearranging my life, parents who were furious, friends who were alienated) I spent a lot of time driving around (I am fully aware that driving in a dream is a metaphore - at least for me - about thinking and considering different options) and the landscape warped itself until I was driving on long roads that swerved and forth and up and down like a rollercoaster.

It mildly upset my stomach and I think I woke up from it. Then it took me a couple of minutes to figure out what precisely was going on. There might have been minor earthquake. I don't know.

But I know the dream had strong vibrations of deja vu running through it and I think it linked to some earlier musings when I was at Olive Garden yesterday.

After the garou game we got dinner at Olive Garden (I still don't know why, eventhough I suggested it). Folks were talking relentlessly about gaming and per usual they started talking about vampire rules and slowly tuned them out and watched the oter folks around us. There was good sized party off to my right, the likely prevalent ethnicity of which was Latino, and as such there were many children. I can't really tell you if they were being loud or not. they were certainly rambunctious and at the far end sat the Matriarch. She smiled on her children running to and from the table and graciously granted hugs and kisses to those that desired such.

I had a moment, just a second, where I might have hallucinated, some of the acid burnt into my cells that refused to do anythign when I first ingested it then desided to do its thing just for a heartbeat, maybe I fell asleep in the time it took for all of my synapses to shut down simulataneously and then switch back on.... I became aware that I was feeling drowsy and my earst-while empty stomach now felt mildly upset, but I thought I had caught something.

Something had flashed from the corner of my eye, just on the edge of concious perception and I couldn't quite tease it out. I was half afraid to. Some kind of near-epiphany had jumped out at me and either I had comepletely shut down so as to cope with it or it had been born out of this collapse. Or possibly it was just something I couldn't handle and blanking out was the only way I could explain it.

I could say it was coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidences.

I know it was tied to watching the Matriarch pick up one of her children and hug him. I remember her beaming down on him, but there is something that is just not adding up.

Familial love is fairly easy to understand and though I've had severe differences with my mother I know that she loves her kids with every fiber of her being. Sometimes I can feel that love rather than merely knowing cerebrally that it's there.

But this was different. It wasn't the warm fuzzies of love or the cold sourness of loneliness. It was something that struck at the core of my being, its realization radiated out from my navel, not my heart or head. I became aware of it as I was trying to clear my head and return to reality. My vision was slightly blurry and my stomach had turned queasy at the smell of the food set before us.

Something is moving around, rearranging itself. I don't know what it is and I hate that. It more than likely has something to do with the concept and my understanding of motherhood and family but none of my attitude has really changed. The moment in which a mother's love encompasses her universe to its greatest possible extent is so infinitesably small compared to the ages of caring, guiding, feeding, teaching, cleaning, guiding the small, smelly, foolish, irresponsible, ungrateful, demanding whelps just can't cut it for me. It's probably just guilt working itself out after all the shit I put my mother through, but I don't feel like allowing myself be put through the same kind of shit - Let alone by something I created!

So...something in that vague conceptual mess is a personal idea that forming and mutating.

As for reality *sighs* it sounds so trite, but here goes:

Friday night I went to a vampire game, it was ok. an acceptible waste of time when you consider I paid nothing to attend. Saturday I got up with Molasses as he set about to get to his class and did some light cleaning in my apartment and finally scrubbed the bathtub real good. I still need some Drano, and I need to clean the curatin. I also need to figure out what, if anything, to do about the paint that has been peeling off the bottom of the tub. The thing is clean but peeling paint feels kinda...icky...when you're showering. Then I headed out to Fullerton. I had meant to get out an hourish earlier but one of the smoke detectors had decided to alert me to the fact that the battery was dying by clamoring out every thirty seconds. In the kitchen it sounded like a loud, shrill chirp, directly under it the sound was so loud it buzzed in my ears. It took some effort to pull the thing out. Now I need a 9-volt battery and the time it'll take to plug it back in.

I was supposed to stop by my parents' for an hour ish and hope to catch the kick off of USC's game and pick up my mail and the current chisme, but I had scheduled to meet with Talula at two and I could either skip home and get to that some twenty minutes early, or go straight home and show up who-knows-how late to lunch. So I went for meeting for lunch. I was hungry anyway. but I prolly should have called home.

After lunch I went to the house but only my oldest brother was up and around. My dad was taking a nap and my baby brother was in his room playing on the computer. I got my mail and headed out.

There were *lots* of bills in that mail, but fortunately there was also a check which will help me make it to next month without nuking my savings. Now I just need to make the time to *pay* the bills.

After Fullerton I gassed up and headed to Long Beach. Molasses and I didn't ahve any plans beyond that and the heat had made me drowsy so I dozed off while he kept on beating up bad guys in whatever-the-hell-he's-playing-now.

I had some dreams them, but don't recall anything other than something made it clear to me that Molasses had died. I don't know how to why but I had to go through preparing the funeral and calling friends and family. I was sad and hurt but I kept doing what I had to. It was absolutely strange because I feel fairly confident that I'd completely collapse if Molasses went away permanantly.

I remember someone the radio quoting "It is a dangerous thing to love something that can die." I probably flubbed the quote and I don't remember who it was a quote of but I do remember how cold I felt when I heard it the first time. Something at the base of my spine making me feel utterly terrified and something trying to grab at my lungs while I fought to maintain control of my emotions. Someday, when I'm less scared, I'll get around to writing about Death & Me.

Saturday evening we went out with Agent Orange and several of his friends. I need to come up with nick names for them. Anyway. We went to see Ballistic. A fun film if you're in the mood for some silly blow 'em up action. And Ray Park is in it (you know Ray Park, he was the only good thing about Star Wars Ep. 1). It's just that I wasn't entirely in the mood for it. I wanted to be, honestly. but I had to sit through the previews for other horror/thriller/adventure flicks which each had the annoying conceit trailers all love to have that brings up a scene by white washing the screen and letting the light filter down to visible levels as a short piece of the scene plays out then goes dark and is quickly replaced by another brilliant white washed scene. Bleh, it's getting old, folks.

I think the thing about Ballistic, and don't worry, I won't spoil it - I couldn't *possibly* spoil it, is that a) you've seen it before. Trust me. 2) the sentance "Let's finish this." has never been so utterly poorly timed as it is in this movie.

Oh and Evil Overlord Rule #1 was completely ignored, trashed and pissed on that this film quickly became a comedy: A bullet is NOT too good for my enemy.

Anyway, after the movie was good food and conversation at Hoff's. Sunday was the Garou game.

And today Kenny pointed this out to me. Yay!