Pondering: tonight's West Wing ep (duh)
Listening: Chocolate City, KCRW

Like my new look? It's all cause of Kenny, though it just struck me that this color scheme is a little closer to UCLA's colors than I like being. Hmm maybe I'll have to revisit the Cardinal 'n Gold layout.

Anyway. my mind is full of different musings(?) but it's hard to settle on what to write about, how to prioritize and if this is the right place to talk about this.

It's funny in a lot of relationships I've fallen into the role of shoulder-to-cry-on and advice-giver. It's purely because I am a big sister, I'm sure. But right now I need to talk to someone. I'm just wary of talking with people who know my life too well. blah }:P

Had a slightly painful heart-to-heart last night with my Molasses and it was quite revealing, exciting and helped me to rearrange a few things that had gone awry. Most of the details are ours alone but one thing that I came away with is the solid understanding that I *am* waiting for a miracle to happen and I shouldn't. I have shit to say and there is *no* reason why I should wait for the right moment before opening my mouth.

It rekindled a small interest in writing. It'll probably fade away before anything consequential makes its way to paper, but it's exciting.

I used to write character studies that were one page story-ettes and I wonder if I could go back to that. I might be able to get those to weave together into something useful. God, I hope so.

If I had a genie here right now offering to grant me one wish and one wish only it would have to be for a twenty-fifth hour that no one could bother me in, where I could get my personal interests taken care of like reading or writing or researching or learning something.

At this point that's really all I want. I'd probably give any money or treasure away after I'd paid my bills.

I just want to *do* something. Fuck, I just want to be able to note that the last twenty-five years haven't just been a waste of time and oxygen.

Last night I was in tears because I couldn't feel anything. Now what I feel is somewhat angry with myself. Anger at my laziness, my lack of discipline and generally at my impotence.

Art reminds people to live, not just to settle for getting by. I guess I miss art. I miss it real bad.