Listening: My Playlist, on random
Mentally Replaying: Frida
I'd rather be working out.
Considering: Getting blue streaks in my hair
Desiring: A sinful bowl of menudo with tacos filled with ham marrow.
Physical Aches and Complaints: Second knuckles on two of my right fingers, my back right about the bottom of my ribs.

This header thing may or may not be cool. We'll see.

Stuff is swirling in my head and it barely makes any sense. Just the normal noise I guess. I wouldn't even bother writing it down except I really wanted to spend my lunch on the elliptcal machine but it's in the gym and the massuer is in there doing his thing. His patrons don't like it when people use the machines when they're trying to relax. ffft. I want to relax. I do it best when I'm working out.

I'm also fighting every internal thought that I'm a fat slob. I'm trying hard as hell not to dwell but I'm slipping.

I'm so close to setting some sort of drastic goal...just to prove something to myself. I dunno maybe like in a year's time I want to have lost 20 pounds or more. And if I don't well... the thought is drastic which is part of why I don't want to dwell. It involves cutting.

So I catch myself contemplating taking on some "diet" plans that have been found to be really bad ideas. I mean the plans work for helping people reduce weight. But they usually do things like increase cholestoral, heart rate, chances for heart disease, brain tumors and various forms of cancer. I don't like gambling. But in this instance I can feel desperation wearing at good sense and I start to think things like "24% is less then 1 in 4. And I'm otherwise in good shape. I think." I probably wouldn't think that if I knew what a heart attack was really like, but the little devil on my left shoulder keeps telling me it's quite unlikely that a heart attack now would kill me. But I don't need the extra medical bills.

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I keep thinking that I need to look for a new country to live in, then I'm sorely reminded that this is the one. The only one. I've never been to Canada and England is too frickin cold. Anyone know if you can get a good posole in Canada?

Sometimes getting involved in politics sounds like the only way to get heard. Then I come back to reality.

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Had a great chat with Sergei a little bit ago and talked about the Fear of Death, wait no that's not right. We talked about our own nervousness at the idea of leaving before we're done. Normally when I talk about Death (as opposed to the end of my life) it's a concept. But really trying to imagine having my life be really, literally over, or even the life of someone I love it makes me want to run and hide somewhere. Until very recently I don't believe I've truly been afraid of Death, but when things got more random for the ordinary person - snipers, planes ramming into buildings, suicide bombers - I've gotten much more nervous.

I feel like I have shit to do and don't like delays, partially because I want to define myself by what I do rather than what I wish I could do, but also because I'm terrified of dying without having crossed any of my finish lines.

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Maybe I should proceed in mounting a play without input from Space Dog. It would suck just to cut him loose and I desperately want company in this endeavor even if I don't share any of the responsibility.

What might be more realistic is to call the theatre owner and tell him it's been postponed (make up a reason prolly) and that I'd love to see some future production in the space, and maybe come back to it sometime in 2003. Then in the meantime find a stock company to hook up with.

I dunno.

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Money is tight, but not just that, I have to find some spare cash for the holidays. At my current rate I'm slowly but surely depleting my savings. I don't know what to get people for Christmas. In years past I could afford to be extravagant but now I have plans that pull money out of my check before I see it. It's supposed to be good for me. But these days there are as many reasons to not have a 401K as there are to have one.

There are other things too, but I don't feel like being public about them right now.