Listening: Opiate, Tool
Mentally Replaying: an imaginary conversation with my dad
I'd rather be asleep!
Desiring: SLEEP
Aches and Complaints: antsy from lack of sleep

At this point I'm not driving pins and nails into my flesh because I don't have any.

Gregorio is supposed to stop by the office in 15 minutes. He better not be late. He's been in New York since September-ish and the office misses him. Me, I'm just terribly jealous. He quit a dean-end (and deadening) job to go study more drama. I vaguely think I would do the same if I could find a suitable trade school that would let me focus on directing. All of Greg's classes are in acting, singing, and dance. I don't want to be onstage I want to be behind it (or under it in most cases) and I don't really know how to get there. But the expense frightens me, and I'd almost have to leave LA, which you might guess I'm very loathe to do.

So I'm writing this to kill some time so I can greet Greg before passing into a coma. God knows, work isn't going to help.

I'm tired today because I got up very early yesterday (about five) and got home around midnight and then couldn't sleep. But I'm very exhausted and completely out of options for thinking of ways to stay awake. Getting up and moving around only works for as long as I'm up and around. When I sit back down my energy crashes. Same with the cold from outside. It's brisk and crawls into my skin but the second I settle down again and stop shivering I'm half-way unconcious. It's annoying that I can't command better responses from my body.

Oddly enough trying to determine the appropriate relevant ad copy for Cola.org that will instantly grab the attention of the average search engine user really isn't helping me stay awake.

God where the fuck is Greg?

There are other things I could think about while I'm working but to an extent they're very distracting. Not to mention depressing.

Yesterday was alright I guess but fairly unsatisfying on many levels. I just don't want to go into the details in public. Still, it wasn't as bad as a lot of previous Christmases.

Tomorrow Alexa will be three months old. And yet it really felt like she understood something about what was going on. The excitement, of course, kept her wound up and she just wouldn't relax. To keep her quiet we gave her several more bottles than normal. Usually one is enough to knock her out for some 20 minutes. During mass part of the time she was in her seat so I couldn't see her and part of the time Ana held her which was funny because Ana would nod off with Alexa in her arms and Alexa would go to sleep.

When we finally got around to opening the presents Alexa was propped up against a corner on the couch so she could sit up and watch everything. Pretty much everyone shamelessly played with her and talked to her in goofy voices and made funny faces and she cooed and laughed and gurgled along. She was extremely adorable as Ana opened box after box of dresses and outfits for her and told her how pretty they would look. Either she's really on top of things faster than any of us expected or it's a fabulous coincidence but when Ana chatted animatedly with her about Jesus or even Santa Claus Alexa responded verbally and gave us huge gummy smiles.

My present of the year is from Molasses and unfortunatly it's still on the road. I really wished I had my camera. He also gave my family a DVD player which surprised them so much that my brothers were saying they wished they had gotten him something.

Greg is officially late. But he's on his way at least.

My dad liked the book I gave him - illustrations of Mary throughout the ages. Mom was surprised at the $50 to Macy's. Ana liked the purse and lotion but was ambivalent toward the perfume from Victoria's Secret. Jose seemed to like the movies I got him (the DVD was Iron Monkey not Black Hawk Down).

My mom got me a whole bunch of kitchen crap making a lot of my stuff redundant and then adding more stuff. This is mildly frustrating as I don't really like to cook that much (I'd rather bake and my oven doesn't work right) and I have precious little counter space to stow things. I already have three dish towels and she gave me two more - of the specific kind that I have held out to her in stores and patiently explained why I don't like them - and I *still* don't have anything resembling a towel rack. Maybe I'll just ask for the receipt on a couple of things. I didn't yesterday because I get really ticked when people don't appreciate the things I give them.

But anyway I was disappointed that my dad didn't seem to get me anything eventhough he specifically asked me what I wanted. He groused later that my mom had hijacked all the shopping and left him with nothing to do. But like I said I don't want to go into it. So anyway. Jose got me some kitchen knives and Ana got me a little jewelry box thingy with Chinese designs of dragons and things and inside was a neat-o costume necklace with a square cross design.

I baked a whole bunch of stuff: chocolate chip cookies, banana muffins, cinamon rolls and brownies and hung out in the living room and watched Monsters Inc. with the boys on the new DVD player. I held Alexa before during and a little bit after and she slept through it all. She kept my lap and chest nice and warm but my legs and arms got cold and eventually went to sleep without me.

Later the tamales were decent but the posole left something to be desired. We slowly wound up the night and I packed up my laundry and new stuff and headed home.

God, how soon until Monday evening? I can't think I'll do any better than sleepwalk until then. I feel so angry with myself because I can't keep it together. I'm going to do my darnedest to get to sleep when I get home tonight. Hopefully I won't be such a mess tomorrow.