So I call home to check on a couple of things. I haven’t been by since the 28th. Usually my mom would have been in touch with me since then, guilting me about not going by. But she hasn't and I have a couple of bits of mail I'm waiting on.

So I call her up and she starts talking about things that have been going on around the house when it occurs to her to mention that there has been another death in the family.

I should stop and mention that I haven't done anything more productive tonight than separate my bills from junk mail and quantify the fact that no, really I'm not going to be able to pay all of my bills this month. I knew that this would be the fact so to ease into it I polished off the last third of a bottle of Chardonnay. In the mail was a bill for one last Christmas present which reminded me to call home.

So while I was feeling shmoove and mellow I called my mom figuring it'd be maybe a five or ten minute talk depending on how much she wanted to harp on the fact that I should visit more.

Then she casually mentioned that on the First, while I was having fun at SeaWorld, my Aunt Nina died of a heart attack. Or rather the complications that the heart attack put on her cardiac system made impossible for her to live. She needed a new heart among other things. I don't know what's worse - having someone you love up and leave, or have them slowly fade and get a chance to say good-bye even while you know there are ways to stop it you just don't have access to them.

But Nina was most definately on the old side. I don't really begrudge her death too much. She was 81. In contrast my Uncle Leonard was 73 when he died last September. She hadn't been terribly ill like Leonard or even Annie who will be two years gone in May, but she was very frail. For my whole life, it seems, she had always been tiny and wrinkly, with skin as smooth and soft as silk it was often with an effort that I refused to touch her skin just to see it move.

She was married to my father's second to oldest brother (the oldest died before my mother was born, drank and smoked himself dead according to my Dad), Tony. She had been excellent friends with my Aunt Katie, my dad's oldest sister. At all the family events she arrived and left with Uncle Tony but sat and talked with Aunt Katie. Uncle Tony died when I was in high school and Aunt Katie died when I was in college and since then Aunt Nina had just seemed to get smaller and smaller. She moved very slowly and always talked deliberately, but she had a ready smile and loved touching people and would always look them in the eye.

She was born in the city of Orange and died there.

True to form my family only found out on the day of her funeral, last week. My mom had to leave work in the middle of the day and round up the family. I don't even want to think about my dad's reaction.

While my mom talked she was glib and her toned stayed light but she was sniffling a lot and didn't mention a cold. Nina was the sweet old lady that made the best tamales around.

then my mom went on to talk about other things. I sort of tuned her out, but I think she was trying to get over it. She was talking about house hunting with my dad which is something else I don't want to think about.

The house I grew up in manages to be older than my dad, but barely. As a family of seven (now eight?) we were a tight fit, but it was cozy. I want to paint it all nostalgic, but that's because I've moved away. My mom still lives there and probably still deals with the clasutrophobia-inducing *closeness* of everything. Not that that would be a problem if the adult children would just move out. But they can't or won't (though they think about it when she nags them) and so she's looking for a house with bedrooms for all of them. All of the *them.*

She was thrilled that she found a house with four bedrooms and tiny apartment below it. She said each of the kids could have their own bedroom. Alexa, of course, would sleep in her mom's room. Well each one would except me, I'd still have to sleep on a couch. I dunno....

She talk about some other houses but I tuned her out, still thinking about Nina. I also thought about other family. My cousins are primarily 15-ish years older than I am. I can't even name all of them. I'm happy that I can recall that Unka Leonard had three kids, though I struggle to name them. And that's just because he *only* had three. Nine and Katie, I think, each had like four or five. Roy has five, I'm not at all sure how many Frank has. and there's Carmen who maybe had seven or even nine. Remember these kids are grandchildren to a woman who had 11 children make it to adulthood.

I think there should be a better process for keeping them all in touch and in order. But I'm definately not the person to do it. For various reasons my dad sort of ended up the black sheep and spent several years far from his family. In trying to get in touch he would see his siblings and their spouses. But since their kids were a totally different generation he didn't really keep track of them. My mom tried vaguely but she sure didn't want to put more work into my dad's family than he did. So we grew up kind of separated from the goings-on in Orange. My sister is more socially capable, no to mention closer, so I'm volunteering her. Hope she accepts.

*sighs* the tipsyness is wearing off. I'm tired and feel a little... hollow. there's what feels like a watery weight pressing down fro inside my chest. I get that way when I want to cry but can't even get my eyes to water up without cheating. So maybe I should go to sleep.