Listening: co-workers talking, giggling, typing
Mentally Replaying: "Hello Birmingham," Ani diFranco
I'd rather be: writing a play
Considering: how to start a nationwide letter-writing campaign
Desiring: Peace
Aches and Complaints: sore shoulders
Enjoying: The TICK!

*sigh*

Today I drove to work listening to a long story about the parties for and against abortion, those hoping to overturn Roe V Wade and those hoping to maintain the right to choose.

It's hard to come up with the right words to succinctly address my thoughts on this issue. Part of the problem is my thoughts aren't all verbal. They come from memories I breathed in and and feelings that sunk into my skin, prayers I read at church and pleadings I whispered in the dead of night under never-ending tears.

I used to be pro-life in part because of indoctrination, my family, my church, individuals I greatly respected said that abortion was wrong and so I was against abortion.

But I grew up loving to read and being challenged to think. Pundits can say what they like about modern education but critical thinking has helped me put into context every new datum I encounter. We used to get the newspaper every day and when my mom terminated the subscription it was because I, the only person who read anything besides the comics, had gone to college. I was the kind of kid who went to the library in the summer not just because it was air conditioned but because I liked to research things. For fun.

And in that I found stories. Among a great many others was the history of Roe v Wade which told me the basis for the arrival at the Supreme Court's decision, the complexities and dangers involved in illegal abortions, strong arguements against abortion and several compelling stories of women who felt they had no alternative to terminating their pregnancy.

I can remember when I was quite young asking my mother dozens of questions based on hypotheticals. "What if you were raped? What if the baby couldn't live more than a few days? What if the pregnancy could kill you?" tons of seriously uncomfortable questions that were probably disrespectful so my mom squirmed but she tried to answer, which is more than I could say for my dad.

Did I ever mention that the first time I heard my dad say the word "sex" I was 20?

I distinctly remember thinking when I was 12 that this was an issue men should just stay the hell out of. But of course that would lock out most organized religions and the vast majority of duly elected or appointed officials. I remember at some far less charitable moments that if there was any way, any way in hell, that men could suddenly find themselves pregnant, I mean literally not in some modern, PC co-parenting "we're expecting!" kind of way, then this might be an issue, but it would never be an issue that lasted for long.

I remember in junior high eagerly protesting abortion with my church and in high school arguing a pro-life stance.

I can't really pin-point when exactly I decided to support Choice as a policy of law.

To this day I still waver over the finer moral points, but I think I've come to the conclusion that my position has had a lot to do with the Catholic Church and I came to realize long ago that while the laws of the Church may work fine for members of the Church it is not appropriate that they be forced on others.

The situation I saw growing up was one where I came to understand why and how many women come to the conclusion that a swift abortion is their best choice. I was ten years old the first time that my mother threatened to throw me out of the house and family. It was for this or that having something to do with obedience and respect. Sometime around the age of 13 it only had to do with sex.

Sometimes I still wonder if my mother would make good on her promises if she found out some of the things I've been up to but sometimes I really wonder. My parents were advised by a psychologist, a social worker and several police to throw out my brother in an effort to force him to face reality and to avoid his *VERY* threatening behavior. But the point is I came quickly to the realization that had push come to shove and something happened back when I heavily depended on my parents I would probably have ended a pregnancy rather than face their anger and disappointment and any other assorted consequences.

But I stayed lucky and had only one (really bad) scare. Once I worked full time and had medical benefits I jumped on the pill - which, BTW, only became fully legal in 1972.

There are several stories I could also mention of women who sought abortions due to situations which I thoroughly agree with. It's pointless really to lay them out, they're as maudlin and touchy-feely as the case pro-lifers make - "It's a baby, not a choice!" Suffice to say that most women who get abortions are _desperate_ not cunning, malicious or even terribly selfish.

I still kinda think this is primarily a woman's issue and if men wish to participate they should stand at the back of the room and raise their hands if they wish to speak.

But honestly if I were to get to the bottom of what I really think of this, I would have to say that abortion is really a subset of issues that demonstrate a vast difference in how people on either side of the debate view sex.

In an ideal world I would have abortion be legal but fairly unnecessary, to the point of being laughably antiquated. Because we might still have an uneven production of babies - one group having more than it wants and the other having less - society would be greatly geared toward embracing foster kids and adoption. I don't entirely understand why the greatest proponents of adoption that I've read about are always in a hurry to adopt out of the country. I know there are terrible conditions in other countries but there are some fairly bad ones going on in this country. Gah. I have some sneaking suspicions that race is involved but I'm trying to stay on topic, I really am.

So anyhow. I have this thought process that choice is vital and that it begins with choosing who to sleep with and when. And I Strongly believe that no mortal law gets to come between me and my choice, so help me God.

This is still a very fine pickle. The White House is more or less against abortion though it doesn't like saying that out loud. Congress has made a few strides over the past couple of years that will make abortions dicier including a law that states that if a pregnant woman is attacked in such a way that she loses the pregnancy the attacker faces liability for that as well as damage caused to the woman. This is only a good law if the fetus is considered a human (which the folks who voted for it do), if it isn't this law has so many holes you drive an army of trucks through them.

And the Supreme Court? Well unofficially they support Roe v Wade about 5 to 4. But at least two justices are looking to retire soon, possibly before the 2004 election which means that Dubya will replace them.

I think most scary would be a law handed down from Congress (House of Representatives Speaker Dennis Hastert and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist are both pro-life). I think I could almost handle it if this was made referendum in the next national election even if the nation voted against abortion. At least I would feel so in over my head over hypotheticals.

and now i've drawn closed the curtains
in this little booth
where the truth has no place to stand
and i am feeling oh so powerless
in this stupid booth
with this useless little lever in my hand
--Hello Birmingham
--Ani diFranco