Listening: Ekova
Mentally Replaying: "Amber Waves," Tori Amos
I'd rather be sleeping
Considering: getting coffee

This week has been somewhat weird. I haven't accomplished much, but not for a lack of trying. I've had a minimum of three opportunities to get ample sleep and haven't been able to.

The last straw was yesterday/last night. I was supposed to hang out with Space Dog but he had too much work and had to cancel. So I went home, cleaned some stuff, bummed around on the web and ate too much turkey chili.

I did some email stuff, but not enough because I always forget all the stuff I wanted to do.

I was hoping to be in bed by the time Molasses came over (he had been out on the West side with the Assassin) but didn't quite get that far. We did finally get to bed around midnight and fell asleep approximately around a quarter to one.

At about a quarter to two an alarm went off in the building behind mine. I was frustrated and tired and this made me react poorly, fighting the urge to throw a tantrum. It went on and on and after 15 minutes I got up and called "311." In LA 311 is the number for the police for non-emergency issues. It was kind of annoying because first you have to sit through the mayor telling you about the phone line and then wait for an operator to answer. Then you tell them your problem and they tell you they have to transfer you. Then you get disconnected. So you have to try again (remember there is still a really loud alarm going on giving you a terrific buzzing in your head). This time the "transfer" takes you to an automated operator ("Press 1 for this, press 2 for that") which, at 2 in the morning means you have to hunt for the right number in the dark. I ended up electing to speak to a police operator, the option for which was "0." Seriously, *I* could design a better system.

I went to bed more awake than ever and the alarm had been sounding for 30 minutes. It might be worth mentioning that the other building goes along side one of my walls, some ten feet away. My building is red brick, the other one is grey cinderblock. Sound travels through there VERY well.

I whimpered and Molasses put a pillow over his head. Some ten to 15 minutes later the alarm was turned off. Then started up for a few seconds and then went away.

If there were anymore disturbances, I didn't noticed them. I slept like the dead until the alarm (on my radio) went off. It was earlier than I needed it, but Molasses needed to get up that early so I went with him, but after the shower and after he left I crawled back into bed for about 45 minutes. I woke up again still really tired but with no more "grace time."

So that's why I'm physically tired.

I'm avoiding coffee becuase I'm trying really hard to be careful of my caloric intake at least while I'm at work. But I don't think I'm going to be avoiding it today - in case you're wondering I like coffee with a lot of sugar, or with flavored syrup even better.

I need to figure out where I can find caffinated water.

I want to go off on a rant but I'm holding back because I'm not sure if I want to keep a record of my whining. It's just that...my weight is a major factor in depression for me. Considering it, considering how I do not fit into my best clothes, considering how I've been starving myself on Slim-Fast since September, considering how I've exercised as regularly as possible for about a year now and I haven't lost any inches around my middle, or any pounds hits me really, really hard.

The fact that this has dominated so much of my thought for so long and I have nothing to show for it shoves me closer and closer to the deep end. In print it looks like whining, in my head it's a swirling, screaming mass demanding blood.

What's so wrong with ephedra, again?

So I guess that's enough indulgence for now. So...tired....