can't work... can't focus.... want a vacation. But I don't want to come back.


fuck



something switched; ordinary people that I normally like are doing ordinary things that I normally enjoy. But today it's pissing me off.

I don't feel like i have anything to look forward to. Just more irritation and fighting. why?



don't know. why do people go from friends to jerks without changing at all? Maybe I changed? How? When? Why didn't anyone tell me?

Do I resent that they didn't change?



this is dumb. I have so much work to do, and that's before I get to the shit that I want to do.


been teetering for days, maybe longer, between anger and sadness. I hate that. Either emotion would be more than a handful but this.... this is stressed muscles, brimming eyes, short breath and heat on my temples. One makes me want to beat people senseless, the other makes me want to hurt myself.

gah not too long ago I was doing just fine.


A vacation would just make it so the problems would be left behind and fester until I came back.

I wish I could just quit. Just go away and come back when I felt like it. I know people who do that. It's part luxury and part selfishness.

I always want to see things through, be the responsible, dependable one. But that doesn't get me far when no one gives a fuck and just expects me to be there cause I'm always there.


but for today I just want to get a couple of hours more of sleep and wake up to coffee and toast with cinnamon and sugar sprinkled on it.


I don't ever want to come back to work.
It doesn't interest me and it's about as necessary to the movement of society as a waterwheel is to the movement of a river. It's just a job, not a career. So where the hell did my career go?


I started writing because I was staring off into space instead of working. But now I'm staring off into space instead of writing.

I think I'll just go have a cigarette before I try anything else today.