I was sorta dreading coming into work today. I'm pretty much dreading every day at work until I get the meeting with the director overwith. It has me so stressed out it was all I could do not to think about it over the past two days and I had a couple of nightmares to boot.

Hypothetically it will happen on Monday. If not, then I'm not sure how to proceed. It'll be the last day (supposedly) of the Nice HR Lady who's helped me figure out my options. Then my go-to person becomes a new HR Lady who I have never met.

Well my manager will not be in and in fact I won't see him for another 10 days (which is a relief for reasons that are tangential to my current stresses). I don't know if the director is in, but with any luck I won't see/hear from him today. Hopefully I'll only talk to the Nice HR Lady.


But now I'm feeling a bit down for reasons that have to do with the end of the year. I miss my friends and I'm fighting many urges to be bitter. The nasty little me with the pitchfork who sits on my left shoulder tells me they've chosen to turn away. They don't have time for me, They moved away, They don't call, They don't write, They expect me to keep up with them via their journals. I haven't gone any where. In my whole life I've made one big move. It was about 35 miles, into the next county over. That's it. I am astute about calling and writing people, I set aside my plans to make time to see people I don't make myself inaccessible.

The nice me with the wings who sits on my right shoulder is rolling her eyes.

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Well there is still some time left in '03. Time enough for things to go from merely uncomfortable to fully hellish. But also for things to be nice. I shall start returning presents tonight (stuff I got for other people that they got from other folks - I don't need to return any of my booty). Tomorrow will be full - I plan to put some order to my apartment which is *thoroughly* messy. The number of books has nearly tripled (with Dad's books and some old ones that have been in my car for months) and I'm down one bookcase. Then off to hep friends move. Then maybe a party at night. If all goes well I wil divest myself of the last of the Christmas gifts. Sunday, up early again to figure out how to get all those damned books to Anaheim and then off for Dad's birthday.

Monday should be mostly normal except for the chance of a showdown with management. Tuesday, theoretically a normal day of work except after it we'll be off for two days again. That night, though, I get to pick up my Molasses. *GRIN*

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I've been running down this year. I think of New Years as a farce, a stupid excuse for a party if I ever heard one. But still, I was taking stock. A personal inventory, if you will. And I realized that I really hate this year. I really, trully do.

There was nothing that happened to me this year that I feel really ought to taint the entire 12 months, but so many little things, indignities, losses, hurts, so much irritation with the world at large and a few big ticket items (Sr. Irene's passing) that all in all this year seems to have come out as "fairly wretched."


There was precious little this year that I want to hold onto. My walkabout last January, the Old School Gamer Wedding in March, visiting Pgh in May, a panoramic view of fireworks on the drive from the LBC to USC on 7/4, my "birthday", the vacation in Gold Country.... Most of this happens to do with driving, I can't help but notice.

Maybe someone should start a fund for me to become a fulltime itinerant journaller.

I'm serious.