Listening: The Blues disc 3
Desiring: do overs
Enjoying: the blues };>


bluh. tired.


I recently had a birthday. I'm 27. 27 has seemed like a mystical age for so much of my life. It seemed to be the year that so many people decisively because the person they were to be to the rest of the world. Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison died of overdoses at 27. When he was 27 Kurt Cobain took his life.

I spent my birthday being busy and generally annoyed by the people around me. I tried to be out of town with mixed results. I'm worried that it will set a precedent for the year: I'll spend 27 being grumpy and restless and unanimated to correct my situation. Pretty much how I spent 26 which may be why I keep forgetting I'm 27 now.

The birthday itself was sucky. I try to use birthdays as a way to meditate. It's a day that is alone important to me and when I am left in peace I can center myself, rededicate myself to my goals. It pretty much doesn't work when people are around who know it's my birthday. They feel like they have to make it special. They don't get that it was special until they started acting all weird.

I guess it's the problem with only having one day per year to meditate. But I can't clear things away enough to use things like "OM" or a cherry tree. It's a little bit Sysiphean, but if the way to clarity is foggy and obstructed, then the only thing I can see to do is make the fog and obstructions part of the path.
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Yesterday was my oldest brother's 26th birthday. I tried to call home last night but was pressed for time so I just told my mom to have him call me today. My sister's birthday was the day before yesterday. She's 22 now, I think. I was going to try and visit on Saturday but since they're basically unable to get together on how they want to celebrate my mom is taking over plans and told me to come by on Sunday in the middle of the day for mass and brunch.

I'd rather go by in the evening so as not to basically ruin a whole day, but this clearly isn't up to me. *sigh*

Tomorrow Molasses' do jang is running free self defense classes. He says he isn't nagging me but he's asked me three or four times if I would like to go. If I had no opinion, didn't care one way or the other, I'd go. But I'm ambivalent because subjecting myself to his classmates, his teachers makes me nervous. Because I don't like being touched without warning even if it's a kindly touch like when doo joo nim tried to touch my cheek. On top of it all I have philosophical worries. I get irritated by boys who've taken some martial arts classes and just can't stop talking about the various ways they know how to kill people. I'm perturbed by how easily I incorporate bad habits into my everyday life: cursing, laziness etc. And most of all I know my own violent tendancies and I don't like the way they sneak into my train of thought even when I'm advocating peace and mercy.

On the otherhand it seems I can do no more for my partner than to support his interests and endeavors. I'm curious, and I think, practically speaking, it wouldn't hurt to learn to defend myself. So. I dunno.