Listening: odd sounds - music, stomping, etc
Desiring: decent coffee

Just FYI - I have no idea where this is going.

I've been gone. I know. I've been bad. I've taken to hiding a lot. Something I was afraid would happen if I took to compartmentalizing myself and locking up bits of my life to a few choice companions. I really don't know why. the other journal has a larger readership (I assume) of people that I know. A few of them don't even know about this journal. I don't advertise it alot. this is supposed to be the more introspective and personal/emotional journal.

But somehow it got eclipsed by the other one. I dunno. Maybe it's a passing fancy, maybe I just don't want to admit the amount of attention I get, I like. I write for an audience, and I like to know who that audience is. My journals have never lasted whenever I've accepted I was my only audience. I know my opinions, I know my actions. I don't need to read the words that I used to describe them over and over again. I've noted other writers go back over past statements in other journals and find some wonder in what they may have said years earlier. Typically I'm just embarrassed by what I wrote five or ten years ago. I just can't look at a single sentance I strung together when I was 12 without cringing. there's no way I could hang with that girl. I'd walk on the other side of the street to avoid her.

But I do like my work to get noticed and I do like to know that it's been noticed. So I guess I go where the comments are. Not that this is really work, per se. It's me wandering aroung in my head and hoping someone agrees to wander with me.

I dunno.

Life's been a little wacky. Got the finances stretched just a mite bit too thin. Not good. espcially this time of year. So I have some catch up work to do. And it's yet again apallingly obvious that I barely make enough to support myself. I have no idea how that can possibly be. I don't live extravagantly, I don't think. I take a lot of my meals in, though admittedly I spend a chunk of grocery money on diet items normal people don't buy. I live the cheapest apartment I could find (and still is), I drive a cheap car (though gas prices aren't helping) and if every now and then I buy concert tickets or an annual pass to a local park it's a non-reccurent event that isn't all that pricey. The only thing I paid for recently that the cost may have exceeded it's usefulness to me was a $90 dinner at a Brazillian place. But it was as much to enjoy as to repay my BF for feeding me many times. The Disneyland annual pass was somewhat more expensive but with as many times as I figure I'll go, it will easily pay for itself.

ah well. Explaining or excusing it won't help. I still have more debt than I want to face. It hasn't gotten too bad I just don't want to deal with it. I want to look to the future not to past deadlines. Tomorrow I'll get the stamps I'm still missing and it will all be past tense. But October will still suck money-wise.

I'm still getting my Korea pics and thoughts organized. At this point it's as much because I said I would as to get the pics off the hardrive and somewhere useful. It's annoyingly tedious and a lot of facts have simply disappeared from my head.

Still not a millionaire.

Still hanging on in the Cam though nearly all interest has been effectively sucked away by the reset. At least all the interest in Vampire. My garou has gone off for a huge (global) proxy that for her is a do or die proposition. She will kill the Enemy or die trying. Period. It makes me quite anxious. I've played for going on seven years. When I hit send on my proxy email I nearly started crying. Wonder if this is how parent's feel when their kids go off to college? Ah well. There's always my Nuwisha.

Folks are of course jazzed to talk about the new chronicle. and I was too, for a time. But the fact is I knew walking into it that eventhough the story will be reset and all the mechanics will change, the people in the Org won't and neither will the unspoken real-world rules. I was doing what I could to suck that up anyway and plow ahead with new character concepts but damn if that drama just isn't rearing its ugly head again. Already.

Plus the people I was working to tie my PC with have more or less ditched me for some snazzier ideas. Feh. Flakes.

I really, really have a hankering to travel. I really wish I could see the northeast in Autumn. I don't know why but this year the thought has really gripped me. Probably because there's no way on earth I could afford it or even find the time to take off. The closest will be a weekend trip to San Francisco in early November. Not much in the way of leaf turning (not much in the way of leaves, we only evergreens out here) up there. Still not sure if I'll do one night or two. I have no idea how to compare flying costs versus driving and I would probably have to stay in a hotel at least one night. decisions...decisions....

Some personal stuff surrounding that, but it's none of your business.

Family has been...interesting. I guess. possibly more than I'd like. Slowly but surely all of my brother's are leaving my mom's house. BB is in the army at Basic. He wants to drive a tank. So they sent him to Kentucky. MB will leave next month. He wants to be Ranger or some other special forces. I hope to God he makes it and all that extra training takes a lot of time. I'm not sure where he's going.

I'm not sure what's up with Miss Thang. I think she's doing part time school and is down to only one job. she talks about leaving right after she gets her finances in order. Lord knows when that will be. It's definately hard while one is still a student. But I suppose she has to graduate eventually. she'll take the girl with her and then Mom and Dad will really be living in a big empty nest. Knowing them it'll be a little harsh. Especially for my dad who stays at home most of the time. Except for that my dad can't really keep up with one and my mom really doesn't like animals I'd think seriously about getting them a puppy.

Dad has been somewhat better. He hasn't been doing so hot in the past year. Intestine trouble that has the doctors thinking they should remove a part to make digestion easier for him and less likely to get infections. Of course, my dad is terrified of surgery and gets kind of fatalistic at the subject. *sigh* His fear is his worst enemy in that situation and he's just no good at looking on the bright side of things.

Looking at him and my aunts and uncles gives me a hint at what's in store for me in the next 50-60 years. Good health, so long as I don't suddenly get stupid and take to the drink and a steak with every meal. A reasonably long life, and then macular degeneration, major hearing loss, possibly tinnitus, osteoarthritis, gout, and a seriously delicate stomach. And possibly diabetes. I guess I should be so lucky just to have the kind of family they have and have had.

The extended family has been getting...thin. The past couple of years have been a bit tough. I get a lump in my throat still to think about them. and it's not even the last two years. It's been ten to 15. It's been Annie and Marilyn, who aren't even family but who could tell? It was Leonard and Frank and Sister Irene. Katy, Nina, and Tony. A while back there was a reunion and I barely recognized anyone. It doesn't help when you spend your time looking for people who aren't going to be there. Carmen at least was there. Her wit makes me comfortable. Sister Virginia has come around the house and chats up a storm with my dad. Richard is still around and a sturdy presence even if he uses a cane every now and then. His daughters even show up sometimes. He misses his Annie though. We all do.


So I guess I gotta move on. It's starting to get late now. Still, today is the girl's birthday. She's two! Yay, Alexa!