Mentally Replaying: ani di franco
I'd rather be: God knows

Maybe it's a lack of intelligence. Or a lack of curiousity. Or maybe I really am mutating, getting assimilated and becoming the worker drone I always feared I was way deep down. I don't like being told there are rules I have to follow when they force me into a process that doesn't make sense. I don't react well to self-appointed authority and I despise being treated like there is something lacking in me because I choose to disagree with the status quo.

I'm frustrated these days, and I feel like I'm spinning wheels endlessly in mud. I've done that before, literally. It's bad on the car and anything that was trying to live in the mud, but it's especially bad for me because that's when I get closer to hysterics and less reasonable. It's when staying in bed with lots of alcohol and sharp things sounds better than going out on a sunny day and being productive. But I feel trapped too, because of the mud. Last time I had to pay a guy $80 bucks to tow me out (I failed to try and use my mom's AAA card for the tow, which just adds to the lesson...somehow). I don't know if there are spiritual/emotional AAA tow trucks.

I mean there's shrinks but I having sat in front of one and knowing I don't have anything better to say than, "I dunno, I guess I just feel meh." doesn't encourage a lot of help.

Introspection is something that comes naturally to me. Don't know why, it just does. But I've been feeling more and more uncomfortable talking about myself, even in my own journals. I've taken to writing things and then hiding them in the other journal, locking them down like precious gems. Again, I don't know why. But something broke through today. Hopefully it will help.

I was directed to this site about Seung Sahn, a Korean Zen Master. In particular I read the story of plastic flowers. It's very interesting and something I need to contemplate more. My view of the outside world could very well be an indication of my state of being. Even when I can't describe my state of mind or emotions very well I can look at the world around me and determine how I think/feel about it.

It's a way of being introspective by looking out on the world. And it's interesting.

I want to write things down more, and talk more about myself and my world. People who tell me how things should be and what's an appropriate amount of talking/thinking about myself should just fuck off. Life, if one chooses, can be a long process of self-alchemy. The answer is within.

So somehow I need to apply this to action. Some of the trouble I have with Buddhism is it doesn't lend itself easily to action. You have to already have the spark to do things and then the method details will be colored by thoughts of a Boddhisattva. There is little instruction on how to get a plan together and then act on it. For that reason it's hard for me to hit my material goals. Of course, buddhism teaches that material goals are meaningless, but then there's a reason I'm not a buddhist. (Well that and having to be a vegetarian.)

I miss having something to do that I love. I miss heading to a theatre everyday to see a play take shape. I miss academia, I miss reading. Things are a chore and it's hard to take joy in chores. Working, keeping up with the news, sticking to my diet. They're things I've chosen to give priority in my life but they bring little happiness.

I need to get back to when I could be freely creative, when I didn't fear someone looking disdainfully over my shoulder. I want my curiousity back, I want the courage to be introspective and willing to come up with half-assed theories and write them out in my journal.

So this is I'm going to try. We'll see how it goes.