Listening:
No Excuses, Alice in Chains
Empty Bottle Blues, TMBG
Never Enough, The Cure (acoustic)
2 Little Girls, Ani di Franco
Blue Monday, Orgy
I'd rather be: outside
Desiring: a game plan

So it's the new year and I haven't updated and haven't felt much like writing things down. I don't tend to think of the new year as a time to mark my ground and mark distances and goals met and personal milestones. I don't do resolutions and I don't really feel I ought to just because of a flip on the calendar page. It just feels too much like I spend the rest of the year not needing to motivate myself because one should save one's resolutions for January.

But I was kind of caught off guard by this calender flip and I've come to the cold realization that I turn 28 this year and that, in and of itself, makes me feel like I've squandered a lot of time and that I need to redouble my efforts to get to where I think I'm headed in life.

To explain you have to understand that this is one of those arbitrary goal lines people find that makes no real sense.

Ever since I learned as a kid that Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison died at 27 I've always thought that obviously I have through the age of 27 to make my mark on the world. I've tried not to think about all the young kids in Hollywood with huge names at the tender age of 18 or 20. Not even old enough to drink and these kids are doing exactly what they've always wanted to do and they've bent every effort to get where they are. True, they have entire machines of people dedicating every waking moment to getting the individual stars where they want to go. And true Hollywood is hardly a "normal" market to get into, but their dynamism is amazing to me and I wonder why I'm not even close to the career that I want.

Some things are easier than others, of course. A normal goal set of marriage/kids/house would pretty much be mine right now if that's what I wanted. I don't really want it and the only person trying to talk me into it (ish) is my mom. I can blame the nature of theatre and the complete lack of of a guiding structure for would-be directors but that's really a big waste of time. There's been a variety of factors for not getting into some theatre to do something since I graduated. It mostly has to do with time and money, but also in the instance where time and money haven't been as big an issue I've had people flake, not write back, etc. But really that's just more excuses. I really need to work for it harder. I'm aware that I'm making up my game plan as I go along. But I don't think there are any better ideas out there.

I don't really feel old and I don't feel like I can't be a kid anymore. I dunno... I just feel like... I think it's that I feel like 28 is when the whole "I'm mortal" sense shows up. I'm less scared of dying than of being remembered as an office jockey, an American consumer long on idealism and short on real action. And I've barely even gotten started on my life. I want to whine about kids who get a jump start on their career paths because their parents help and encourage them but mostly I feel like my game plan is a bunch of bread crumbs that I keep losing sight of.

Also there's the stuff with money and weight/fitness, but I'll leave it for later.

There's so much to do and I have no idea where to get started.