Listening: "Cantara," Dead Can Dance
Mentally Replaying: weekend convos
Aches and Complaints: headachy
Enjoying: new weight

Today I miss Mexico a lot. I want to show it to friends, but mostly I want to go back.

And just yesterday I was day dreaming of traveling around Europe, especially Italy.

why can't I be where I am for a change?

oh for the brown hills made green by wild nopales and patched by squatters in tin shacks. Oh for the cobbled streets and vendors at every street corner. For thunder showers everyday and mangos on popsickle sticks and Coca-Cola with extra sugar, my uncle's house and my great aunt's cooking. *sigh*
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So for nearly two months I've been dieting on two SlimFast shakes a day and trying to keep to a manageable dinner and trying to keep snacking as close to zero as possible. I back this up with Stacker II supplements and try to drink up to 12 glass of water/day. Also I try to walk 12000 steps per day, everyday, or workout some way I consider equal. This last bit is seriously hard.

Something is coming together, eventhough I can barely do all of the above every single day. There must be just enough consistency anyway because I've lost about 8 pounds in this time. Today I went to the doctor's and weighed in at 172.5. Measurements need to go down also, but I'm pleased by this new weight. Hopefully it'll stick and I'll be at a low by the end of the month that I haven't seen since high school.

(If you're keeping track I started a series of diet things that have included Atkins and the use of ephedra supplements and other things in early 2003 and gone through them... they all work but I've had problems with discipline. Changing things up helps a bit but at the cost of putting on weight when I switch. I started at 220.)

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Sometimes I like being alone. Sometimes I like being with other people. sometimes I get full up of being around other -random- people and I want specific company and also sometimes I just odn't want to have a social face up and just don't want to have to deal with the interaction of talking with people.

Sometimes I walk away from a social situation befuddled and embarassed by the things I heard coming out of my mouth. some of the shit that I say can be nigh unbelievable. Sometimes I can tame it and keep quiet on things, sometimes my mouth just works faster than my brain and by the time everyone has been silenced by my tongue and there's nothing more to say my brain is only just following through, in horror at the things I've uttered.

i try to make myself shut up, but sometimes all I really do is bottle things so they come spilling out into someone's universe.

To some extent I'm sorry if this has been your experience of me. But for the most part I'm just embarassed that I could so wildly miss the mark of what I was trying to do.

I just wanted let my ego diminish so I could more clearly hear what other people have to say. Not be silent long enough that things build up in pressure and then burst out all at once. *sigh*

I'm also restless but need to do many chores. So I'm going to try to get them done and burn off the nervous energy of built up from saying/indulging a lot of pointless crap.