Found the essay Caring For Your Introvert on my friendslist today and it's effing brilliant. Or at least it explains so much that I never would have connected.

It's heavily biased and makes personal inclination into proclamations of a common condition. I don't believe I'm oppressed but I do feel that I'm at a disadvantage; furthermore I doubt introverts are universally smarter...extroverts can be fairly bright as well as friendly and proactive. And it does come off a bit negative toward extroverts. But I identify with a lot of what it says, even to the point of disturbingly seeing myself in comparison to Ronald Reagan.

But I've always felt like I have social skills aplenty and it continues to irk me when my mother tells other people that I'm shy. She always has and I've never been able to convince her that I'm not. When I get into the right headspace and when I've got the right mask on I can interact with people just fine. But I get tired sooner the less I know the people I'm interacting with. And if I'm forced to continue my mood tends to follow my energy level.

I don't think I'm antisocial because I love hanging out with close friends. I love it when a friend calls or writes out of the blue and we can get an honest give and take going. I do, admittedly, start to get worn down when the conversation goes one way. It's not because I don't care about the person I'm speaking with, it's just that there's no room for my participation in that monologue.

I've been thinking about this a bit more recently as I've been in social situations and I'm greatly aware of my silence and the bouncy interaction of everyone else. Over and over I'm struck by wishing I could think of something to say to leave an impression of something other than "the quiet, bored-looking one" but I can barely keep up with the interaction going on around me, let alone become a player in it. I tend to feel like the social, extroverted types keep their conversations careening about at breakneck speeds. If I blink I'll miss a turn and completely lose the thread of whatever the hell they're talking about. The trouble is extroverts cast off so many remarks and (perhaps unwittingly) pass so many unspoken cues that my brain catches and fires off at least a dozen interesting tangents inside of a blink. It's really easy to follow what seems like an interesting thought to me only to come back and find that the conversation that had at one point been about religious festivals is now about cartoons.

I have several extroverted friends, friends who think they're introverts but aren't, and know a great number of people who fall somewhere in between, depending on their energy and mood. To some extent we all have a preferable situation for when to be drawn out into a conversation. I deal far better with small quiet groups, and naturally likemindedness counts for a lot. Which is not to say I avoid larger gatherings too much. But understanding this inclination I get why I have to be in a mood to party in order to enjoy myself in a good sized group. Furthermore I understand why I sometimes feel at a loss when a stranger or even an aquaintance tries to make chit chat with me and I choke on the basic social pleasantries.

Although, I can be morose and misanthropic at times. But I don't usually start out that way at parties.

Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality.
...and words that often describe serial killers.

I like to go out and have fun. I just don't like to include talking a lot with random people.

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In other news I still don't have an apartment, work is a pain, friends are rare, family is stressful and demanding and I have little to no desire to go Christmas shopping. Usually I love getting stuff for people but right now I feel so bleh I want to throw gift cards at everyone and go back to hiding. Can we skip to January, where it all works out, please?