Listening: random:
"Sweet Sweet," Smashing Pumpkins
"Guitar Blues," Lonnie Johnson
"Digging up the Corpses," Devildriver
"Yulunga," Dead Can Dance
"In a Lonely Place," Bush
"Ahora," Control Machete
"Parabola," Tool
"The Collector," Nine Inch Nails
"And This is what the Devil Does," My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult
"Verbos," Control Machete
?? Delinquent Habits
"Ashes in the Fall," Rage Against the Machine
I'd rather be: healthy
Desiring: a goal

I'm either running around like crazy these days or sitting around waiting for something to happen. I think, or maybe I HOPE the year is starting to settle in. It's a little bit funny/odd that I spent a chunk of the end of December and early January thinking long and hard if I wanted to put in for an assignment to India. In the end I decided not to because I don't want to be gone for six months (minimum) even if no one will miss me. Even as it was pathetic to realize I'd be sad to not be missed there's too much that *I* would miss so I don't want to do. If they offered it for three to four months that would be different...

But anyway since I really made up my mind to stay I've come to the cold hard realization that I have little in the way of actual plans for this year. There are some vague thoughts of what I want to do and some less-hard deadlines for picking a course of action. Commuting from Long Beach to Pasadena isn't very much fun but I know I can tolerate it. I don't like the idea of commuting to Burbank from Long Beach and this coming summer my work is relocation to Burbank. My choices are to move again or find work closer to Long Beach. If I can get the same sort of benefits and work environment (more or less) closer to the South Bay I think I would prefer that since I'm really starting to (or really just have been) getting more bored with the work I do.

It's funny but there's actually a job opening I know of that would be up my alley and suitable. The only problem is the commute would not be made at all better since it would be in Santa Monica. But if I were to work there it would be in the same place as Faith and Marienne.

Anyway. Before any of that happens I need to get my finances in order since I had a bit of a snafu with paying a loan back resulting in my entire savings being wiped out. I'm trying to be careful with money but it's quite irritating since I was really hoping to play the Responsible Adult and get a real investment portfolio put together this year. I really hope I end up doing something I love for a living by the time I'm in my sixties or older because I really don't like the idea of retirement. I can see how it would appeal to people with office jobs but I really do want to keep doing something I enjoy until I drop dead. Seriously.

But I know getting old is expensive and even in my current state shit tends to happen and therefore having a healthy savings account and/or investments to draw from is a Good Thing.

Plus I need to find my resume. It's never where it's supposed to be. You'd think I had it at least on my work computer but it doesn't seem like it. Oddly enough I have resumes of a few other friends but not one for me. *blinks*

Anyhow besides having to actually, you know, *do* work, work itself is ok. Just darned boring. And being at work wouldn't be half so bad if I could ever get a full night's rest and/or be comfortable at work. But they keep the office so bloody cold that I usually spend the entire day wishing I could get back to bed purely for the warmth. And today in specific would suck far less if I didn't have an irritating cold/cough. There's a lot to be done around here and I'm taking Friday off so I have to keep my nose to the grindstone even if my nose is really runny and gross. *sigh* Not to mention they really, really want us to do OT. As in "please volunteer; we would hate to assign mandatory OT." Gah.

----------------------
I was really hoping to put together some theatre in the next coming months. If busting ass and putting together the Katrina benefit show last November taught me anything it's that I whine a lot when I actually usually have the wherewithal to do exactly what I want. I was excited by that. I always thought I didn't have the money and support, but in actuality I do. Or rather did. Getting your savings wiped out makes you cautious about when to toss money out and what whims to pursue. But I'm starting to write to people again so hopefully that will be something. Hopefully Marienne will also get her theatre space in gear and I can maybe help out there.

If I had more disposable cash I would try to get out to some theatre. I had a little taste of it a few months and I know I miss it like crazy. really really need to get to it.

------------------------

I know I pay too much for my apartment but besides feeling really stuck that space is cute and starting to come along and feel homey. I can't figure out the stupid heater though and I still haven't gotten around to calling the gas company to send someone to show me how it works. So it can get a bit chilly.

Also haven't contacted an ISP yet though I suspect I'm going to go cable. I really don't want to deal with a land line and paying for something I don't use just to get DSL so hopefully cable will work out as a wise choice. Hopefully.

-----------------------

I barely game anymore but people around me do and if they don't then they talk about it a lot. And in some ways I'm missing gaming. But I missing it with a bit of nostalgia for a *good* game. The current Werewolf game is... eh, alright. The Vampire game is not even that. As far as I can tell there are three storytellers for that venue and one of them runs plots. and I've never been able to make it to his games and don't want to compete with the people who've already figured out the plot.

In any case things that involve gaming fill me with a vague sense of sadness. It's hard to say why exactly. Maybe it's sort of like all the other relationships I've had to leave behind as the other party and I have drifted apart.

So I'm working on filling time with other entertainments that don't cost a lot of money. I'm rediscovering how much I love to read. I think I genuinely forgot because even while I spent the last several years saying I like to read but don't have time I forgot how addictive the whole process can be. It's nice to have books in my bag that I'm just aching to have some uninturrupted time to crack open and visit. I really wish I could be a professional Reader of Books. }:> Just like I did when I was seven.

------------------------

In areas of fitness I remain somewhere I don't want to be. I gained weight over the holidays as much because of all the junk food around as because it was such a hectic time I didn't have time to stick to the nutritional regimen I set for myself and *really* didn't have time to exercise as much as I wanted. It's incredibily irritating to make up the ground I lost but I really want to be at my target weight by Summer. I totally could if I weren't so undisciplined. But if I were as disciplined as necessary I would have been there two years ago. *sigh*

I've set myself for wanting to travel this year but due to the above money/employment issues I may not be able to do it. Mega-bummer because I really love to travel. I may be able to do some domestic travel if I'm careful. Targets are San Francisco and possibly Boston and Harrisburg. Boston is iffy for a couple reasons and yet occasionally makes more financial sense than the other towns. Don't ask me why.

I was even looking at airfare to London and thinking I could do that. But it's a bit silly - the flights fares are reasonable but then there's the whole needing to stay somewhere and eat something....

*sigh* I really ought to win the lottery. Then I would stress less about how to have fun.

Speaking of which I nearly drove myself to distraction trying to think of what to do this Friday. I really want to destress but I don't know how to do that and save money and get as far away as I'd like. I was thinking I could head to Disneyland since it's not blacked out but there's still noise and people and conspicuous consumption... I love D-land and still haven't gotten to ride the new Space Mountain but I really need to get away from civilization. I was sorely tempted to drive to San Francisco again as I've done in past years but eh, that's not what I had in mind. I thought I'd like to drive around in the desert so I think I'll do that. I even located a Benedictine monastery I can attend mass and eat lunch at. Hopefully it'll be peaceful.

------------------------

other news...hmmm.. I'm getting a tattoo. I've nearly talked myself out of it twice now but I know it's a design I like and I don't have any issues with the idea of a tattoo all by itself. But I'm debating annoying the artist and asking for a bit of an overhaul on the design we came up with. Hm. *sigh* well this is going to be a bit of an expense. So I may as well make sure it's utterly perfect. Arg but I thought of a different design. ugh. no... I like the lotus. blarg. why is this so complicated?

anyway. also in a new/different relationship these days. I like it pretty well. different is the keyword here. that's more or less the extent of what I want to write about here.


finally. I have more wine than I know what to do with. Eventually I'll just have to have a big dinner party and make other people drink it.

I *think* that's all. any questions?