Wow i hadn't realized it was December the last time I updated. Though Hotmail gave up sending me any JS updates so that's my excuse for never thinking about this site.

Yeah things have happened. Have moved. And I'm not feeling particularly happy about much of any of them. And people trying to get me to forcibly cheer up just makes me all the more angsty and annoyed.

Had to leave NYC. There just wasn't any more money. And coupling with the complete lack of jobs was my complete lack of motivation. It got pretty bad there for a while. A dunk in the Hudson was looking better and better.

In California now. Restless. I miss New York a lot. But I miss being on my own the most. What a miserable loser I am, living with my parents again. I need their money for every thing. So I hide and even though I miss people I don't want to leave my cave of a room. Which is actually my sister's old room because in my mom's new house they didn't have a bedroom for me. I'm really not together enough for a job hunt and haven't put much of any effort toward pulling myself together.

But still I agreed to be a bridesmaid and I've been kicking myself ever since. I don't have the money. What the hell was I thinking? The other bridesmaids want to be in touch with me all the time. There's a lot of planning to do. I hate to even think about all the work that goes into a wedding. The very idea of it helps reassure me that i'm never getting married. Fuck that shit.


I don't get it beyond making a promise to someone in front of a few people who care and maybe a god. Sign a piece of paper for some formal recognition and your done. What the fuck, paying for it?? What the fuck, renting a place?? What the fuck, traveling?? What the fuck, making people dress the same?? What the fuck, showers?? What the fuck, organizing people and places and things like it's the Second Coming and it needs to be televised?? What the fucking fuck?

I can handle some socializing, but it's largely with people I know. I'm not terribly interested in getting to know new people. I really don't want to plan parties with them.

I forget how expensive weddings are even if you're just showing up, never mind if you're part of the wedding party. The lack of funds adds to how totally sour I feel. It makes me wonder if I would feel this aggravated if I were properly employed. God, if I had a decent job in NYC I'd probably be jumping for joy and spearheading the whole thing. As it stands all the prep work for me just leaves me wanting to shoot myself.


Nothing about a wedding makes any sense to me except two people wanting to get married. So I'm not against all that stuff, I'd just rather stand off to the side and stare quizzically. In fact most weddings I prefer to ignore completely. Half the time wedding events strike me as friends and family sticking their noses in the couples' personal goings-on.

I just don't want to deal with this. Except I want to be there and I'm really touched that I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I've never done it before. Like anything else I don't intrinsically understand the point, but the request was an honor.

Maybe i'm also driven to distraction by knowing how hideous I'll look in the bridesmaid dress. How I wish it were an ugly thing so I'd have an excuse. But it's not, it's really pretty. I'm just the fat slob who'll look disgusting in all the pictures.

Maybe I just hate myself and this is somewhere to put all of my frustration and stress.