Every time I turn around it seems someone is telling me it's going to be ok. Don't worry it can't always be bad news, it can't rain all the time.

The only evidence I really get is when far worse things happen, car wrecks, friends get sick, someone dies.... Then I can see how good I have it. Wonderful. The fucking Hallmark lesson having everything I needed all along.

Yet I persist in my immaturity and material mindedness to beg to be blessed with the problems of gainful employment. Please, kick me in the head with a fulfilling relationship. Are singlemindedness, ambition and energy really curses? Because lacking them really seems to be harming me.

There was a quote I read a long time ago that I think was from Aldus Huxley that had to do with chains that we choose for ourselves and how when we think we find freedom from some chains it's because we've found chains more to our liking. I've seen it largely true, whether you find the chains of poverty grinding and so you find work but now you have hours to keep and duties to fulfill, you've found chains you like better. Even if you try to free yourself from the wheel of dharma and its miseries through the teachings of Buddha, you have to accept the subjugation of humility on the eight-fold path. And so on.

I don't like living with my family. I didn't much care for it in high school but I didn't think that much about it either. I didn't know what else was around and I don't spend much time thinking about dark universes. In any case I had an end date for it. Now...I don't know when this is going to end. I don't know if it's going to end. And I appreciate that making my peace with it is an option, but I think it's one I won't be taking. I feel somewhat guilty about that. But this isn't where I belong.

Not altogether sure where it is I should be. But I feel a lot better about Los Angeles or New York than Anaheim. Feel better about friends' houses than my parents'. I miss the feeling of my own place. it wasn't much of a feeling, really, but it was more solid. It wasn't a way station, a safety net. I feel ungrateful for my safety net. It feels bad to feel this way. But I have got to get out of here. I just... can't seem to.

It can't always be bad? That may be a matter of perspective. Mo money, mo problems? Maybe, but I've dealt with a lot of those "problems" before. Money makes them manageable. Without money the answers to many problems are quite simple but not much fun.


So if I'm in a pit and I hate it here and I can't seem to get myself out... why does the response seem to be "don't worry, eventually the pit will miraculously turn into a mountain with you on top!"

I just want one good thing to break solidly in my favor. Something complete and unmitigated - not the silver lining on a really dark cloud, thanks, I've had enough of car insurance settlements - and just *good*. If it's a selfish thought then let me tell you a couple of things: 1. nearly everyone I know deserves at least one solid good thing happening to them. I don't believe there are a finite amount of good things that can happen. 2. If I had concrete, unassailable proof that if I gave up on anything interesting or good happening to me I could have my middle brother home from Afghanistan, safe and sound, I would take that deal in a heartbeat.

I'll take on the chains of something good. By definition they would be more comfortable than what I have now.