Um....so, like, here's the thing....

I own over 4 dozen original cast album CD's, some from shows so obscure they never even made it to New York....

I've actually kept the Playbills from every Broadway show I've ever seen...including my very first, "A Chorus Line" in 1979...

I own 4 whole years worth of "Sex and the City" DVDs and the first 2 seasons of "Queer as Folk"...

I often sleep in a t-shirt that reads: "Don't tease the straight people"...

I own a rainbow wrist band, a baseball cap with a rainbow map of Texas on it, and...(gulp)...the entire collection of DVD's from the Judy Garland Show....

and yet...

I've been looking over my shoulder lately and I think that the sexy haircutting guy from "Queer Eye...," Portia DeRossi, and Isaac Mizrahi have been following me around....taking notes for my excommunication trial....and here's why.....I've been listening to the guys at chorus and clearly I'm not as gay as I thought...for example...

1. "Desperate Housewives"...a total waste of time unless that plumber guy has his shirt off...(the gardener guy is just too jail-bait twinkie for me)...

2. High End Hair product? Here's the deal, no matter what I put in it, it turns into a brown football helmet, so why spend more than the 3 bucks I pay for the spray gel I get at Walgreens?

3. Eye Cream? Okay, so with these eyes, I'll always travel with plenty of baggage, but puh-leeze, I have a hard enough time not spraying the cheap ass gel in my eyes, now I have to make sure I don't get this half a day's salary of 'lift and tone' chemicals in my eyes accidently? No thanks.

4. Liposuction...First, where would they start, but second....I spend a fair amount of time with people who've had some unpleasant surgery or another....and I'm going to pay someone to stick a large metal suction device inside me and scrape it all around so that I get good and sore and bleed like there's no tomorrow, just so I can go back to eating Ultimate Cheeseburgers from Jack in the Box? I'd rather take all that money and spend it on a "Bear" Cruise to Alaska and find a nice patent attorney who likes a guy with meat on his bones and owns a little bungalow in Provence for summer getaways, but I digress, yet again.

See, I think they are coming to revoke my Gaymerican Excess Card...to expell me from the club that dare not wear knockoff Prada...to banish me from Oscar parties and the Tony Awards for life...to reclaim my "I'm One of Kathy Griffen's Gays" BravoTV Frequent Viewers membership card....to (say it isn't so) confiscate my "Liza at Carenegie Hall" cd's!

What's a middle-aged, chubby, furry, quasi-intellectual, showtune singing, baseball loving, Friend of Dorothy to do?