The dear woman who was near death a couple of weeks ago finally joined the saints early this morning...and I am 180 miles away in the middle of a continuing education retreat.

The pastor on call, who worships in our congregation and will soon be the parish associate, has matters well in hand, I've spoken to the daughter (also a member) by phone and will meet with the family on Saturday to plan the service for Monday.

I'm set to return to Chicago late on Friday evening...and will not go back sooner.

After a few prayers and a couple of phone calls, I've returned to my tasks on this retreat...mostly, anyway.

And it's hard. It's hard not being there...having spent so much time with the family in this past month and a half, having spent so much time alone with dear E, not to be there to say goodbye. But I'll get over not being there.

The worst part of where I find myself is the fear that some will think I'm not a good pastor...worse, the fear that someone will say (as has been said a few times in the past) "Well if R (former pastor) was still here, she'd of..." (funny, noone started saying that til I'd been here 18 months). A part of me thinks that I will return to a few of the elder members looks that will speak loud and clear that I should have left this stack of books and the work I'm doing here...most of which is personal development, not specifically related to upcoming church activities....and rushed back to Chicago.

Why would I think people will think that? Insecurity sucks...even if its only fleeting... Hear that God? I said this insecurity would be fleeting...That's a hint.