So have I told you this story before?

Once upon a time NSCR was the leader of his church youth group. It was a Baptist Church in Bayou City.

NSCR was also a deeply conflicted young man...He thought being a minister would be the coolest thing ever....and everyone around him was pointing him in that direction.

But NSCR knew something none of them knew. He knew, or feared anyway, that he was evil because he wasn't having adolescent dreams about the cheerleaders and drill team girls...but romantic (and other) fantasies about the varsity running back and/or (depending on the day) Tom Selleck.

NSCR knew he was going to hell and he didn't want to drag anyone along with him by being their pastor. (NSCR had a truly screwed up theology, but in his defense, he was just believing what he'd been taught.) NSCR decided to never appear to be a sexual being, so he wrapped himself in layers of non-threatening Ultimate Cheeseburgers and Chocolate Cake. (Warning: The preceding is what we call "a pathetic self-justification"...but that doesn't make it false.)

That made babies like to be held by him...nice and cushy NSCR. But it generally did not attract others of either sex. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Meanwhile, NSCR rejected the ministry and decided instead to become an actor....for about two weeks. NSCR saw that this was not a career path his parents could deal with--and it certainly would make folks think again about problem number one....And after all, the college counselor explained, his grades were too good anyway. He had to be something important. (NSCR was trying really hard (in some ways) to be the best little boy in the world, so cut him some slack.)

NSCR went pre-law and indulged his performing jones by double-majoring in communications and becoming a radio guy in college...did I mention this was GodisBaptist&WearsaGreenBlazer University in GodisaRepublicanville?

Can you spell sublimation? I thought you could.

NSCR had a generally decent experience at GiB&WaGB U. mainly because of the really cool folks at Crazy Liberal Baptist Church who finally got him asking questions and reading his Bible critically--meaning not to criticize but to analyze and sort of understand.

NSCR was still gay...but still denying it to himself, despite a truly excruciating crush on AlsoClosetedThen&NowSemiFamousEditoratPeopleMagazine. BTW, ACT&NSFEaPM currently lives with his interior designer domestic partner in a NYC loft and their lovely second home in the Berkshires. But NSCR is not bitter....much.

NSCR came out of law school having cleverly chosen a law firm with a gay, but oddly semi-closeted, name partner.

Can you say Really Crappy Role Model? I thought you could.

NSCR went to work not for THAT partner, but for Homophobic Uber-Republican Swift Boater Man, a deeply complex soul who both humiliated NSCR in public on a number of occasions AND also paid the down-payment on NSCR's first house. Needless to say, NSCR did not come out to HURSBMan...ever.

Eventually, NSCR found VeryCoolChurch in Bayou City. There he continued the theological work he had done at Crazy Liberal Baptist and fully reconciled the gay thing with the God thing, though not before hurting one or two folks along the way...including himself...trying to be someone else.

Skip forward two years, bringing us to the title of today's entry.

So, basically, everyone in NSCR's day to day life (save the aforementioned HURSBMan and NSCR's truly lovely, but a tad clueless, administrative assistant) knew that he was gay. And he had never had "the talk" with his parents. He had spoken to his older sister, and it had not gone well.

Can you say "Exodus International Referral"?

!)#)((*$

Excuse me...just threw up in my mouth a little. To continue...

So, by this time NSCR had actually(!) been on a couple of dates with actual men (as opposed to the fevered occasional ephemeral presence of Tom Selleck) and had mentored more than a few young attorneys who knew...and well, in a city of 3 million, he was sure if he waited too long, they would find out....SO....

NSCR decided to finally tell Mom and Dad. NSCR had a standing date with his parents....shared season tickets to the big musical theatre in town...So...He decided...this would be the night...

The show? Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, starring a lesser member of the famous Mormons Who Do Andrew Lloyd Weber Family. The show? Decent.

But AFTER. NSCR invited the parental units to a post-theatre dessert at a nearby restaurant. (NSCR had mistakenly told GayPal he was going to do this, and the SOB was sitting at a table in said restaurant when NSCR and the Rents came in the room. This was sweet and insane at the same time.)

So...1/2 of their shared creme brulee and 2/3 of my bread pudding (and about 3 hasty cups of Earl Grey) later...

"Well, I thought I should tell you, that I'm dating again....But...and I've thought about this a lot...I'm dating, um, well, men....I'm gay. It's something I've known for a long time, and I wanted to let you know."

(earth opens and swallows NSCR)

Kidding of course...

(awkward pause that feels like earth opening and swallowing NSCR)

Dad: "Well, I've got to tell you, it is something we've talked about before." (There goes my Academy Award.)

Mom: (truly hard expression on face): "Okay. I appreciate you feel you needed to tell us this. But you need to know this...I think it's wrong....the Bible says it's wrong...and don't ask me to talk to anyone, or read anything, or go to any kind of meeting that will try and convince me that what I know is wrong isn't...because I'm not going to do any of those things."

Me: (silent)

Dad: "My main concern is what this means for your mother."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Mom: "Who else have you told in the family?"

Me: "CoolAuntinAlabama and UptightOlderSis. Why?"

Mom: "Well, do us a favor. Don't tell (your other siblings). Not right now. (BabySis) is having enough problems and this would be just the thing to cause (OlderBrother) to break with the family forever."

(Suddenly noticing this is CLEARLY something they've talked about EXTENSIVELY...and realizing, not for the first time, that this family thrives on secrets and denial.)

Me: "Did you talk to CoolAuntinAlabama about this?"

Dad: "No....Not recently."

Hmmmm...he should have been the lawyer.

(...Skipping 30 more very awkward minutes that have faded from memory because all NSCR could hear in his head were Mom's first words repeating in his head over and over and over again.)

The evening ended in a parking garage...with two hugs...and the clear impression that Dad was cool with this and Mom was TRULY not....Exactly the opposite reaction to what I expected.

Jump forward more than a decade...
NSCR is a pastor, now living 1100 miles from Bayou City.
Older Sis has periodically become obsessed with keeping up with the Joneses.
Older Brother has also moved north, filed bankruptcy and has a marriage that has been through HUGE ups and downs.
Younger Sister and NeoCon Husband apply so much pressure on their young son that it makes Mom's teeth grind til her head hurts.

It's the most recent Christmas, when another family member has been, well, a real putz in front of the whole family, and Older Brother has been a jerk on the phone.

NSCR is driving Mom home from the big Christmas gathering.

Me: (In a light pique of arrogance, but really just trying to bring levity to a heavy afternoon) "So (a brief restatement of the family situations outlined above).... Did you ever think that the child that would be the most stable and least stress inducing would be the homo?"

Mom: (genuine rich laughter for one of the first times since Big Daddy died 6 months earlier) Hmmm...I'll have to get back to you on that one. (a smile)

We've come a long way. Still...I've never seen her eat creme brulee since.

(Oh, and by the way...my sibs and their spouses are awesome people who are very human...as am I. We all do the best we can...and with only brief exceptions from time to time, I don't think there is a venal bone in our bodies...but we can all be pieces of work from time to time...If my attempts at humor come off as needlessly snarky here...well, sometimes, that's the way siblings are with one another...and sometimes we all deserve it.)