Upon returning to my apartment today from a three-hour law and ethics lecture, I was happy to find a friendly letter, three phone messages and a faucet that doesn't work.

Apparently, just after my apartment complex decided to hack my free cable (which previously brought me such favorites as: 77 HBOs, CNN, ESPN 1 - 22, and a host of other manly necessities), in half, leaving me with Nickelodeon, 7 Home shopping networks and 6 MTV/VHIs, they decided to add insult to injury and shut my water off for the day.

Great. There's really nothing better than using the toilet that doesn't flush --- especially in a 350-square foot studio apartment. Nice. I guess I'll literally have to live with myself until my water's turned back on at 5 p.m. (which, in slum-lord apartment speak means June...)

Nice surprise. But not even the worst news of the day. Three voice messages. Hmm... I don't even think I have three people who would call me between 9 and noon on a Monday.

#1 - My friend Swanny checking in to see if I'm still alive. Nice. Yep - thanks for checking.

#2 - Classmate with question. Okay. No problem...

Uh-oh. I knew three messages was fishy...

#3 is Discover Card, which I know has no balance, which in turn makes me nervous. "Yes, Mr. F, this is Discover Card Fraud Dept. Please call us back as soon as possible."

Mr. F - "SHIT."

But, of course I called right away, and I was surprised to get good news. Nothing wrong - YET.

Discover Fraud Dept. Guy (DFDG)-- "There have been no fraudulent charges on your card, sir, but your card has been associated with attempted fraudulent purchases on the internet."

Mr. F - "SHIT."

DFDG - "But don't worry, we have cancelled all of the transactions."

Mr. F - "OK. So this means what? They have my card number? I need to watch for purchases?"

DFDG - "Oh, nothing, really. Just wanted to alert you of what's going on with your card. There's nothing you can do."

Mr. F - "Oh thanks then, for causing me to shit my pants and have no running water with which to clean them."

DFDG - "What?"

Mr. F. --- (Click)

Those bastards. I'm a little shaky in the first place. Too many bad things happen at once and I go nuts.

So, after I talked myself off the ledge, I opened my mail --- which completely REDEEMED itself and made my day.

My dad, who's determined to keep me afloat, sent some money. WHEW. And I thought I was staring Smack Ramen and glasses of tap water straight in the eyes for the next two months... Then, Dell sent me my long-awaited $100 rebate.

Now, I can eat --- and sleep. Just remind me to not use the bathroom again until at least 5 p.m.