As if the difficulty of my classes aren't enough of a kick in the groin, I'm starting to receive information on re-applying for financial aid for this summer. Great.

When I think of what I'm paying to attend this venerable university, I usually get angry, followed very quickly by a series of convulsions.

Excuse me for a second.

(Gagging)
aauguadg dksanfas; fjodsiand ldshf joweno;wn asdlmn

(Violently shaking)
alskdfgalksdn fl vnw;oe wenow;n;dfjbnp0uwt4ehnrgb;eh98rpugt

(Choking on my own vomit)
alsdkhnogfwan; vnasd'[oin ad;niaohd;nv ;aoidamg

Ahem, AHEM, AH AHEEEMMMM.

OK, sorry about that. But back to the point: I'm paying enough to go to this school for one year that would put another down payment on a NICE HOUSE. I could buy a $300,000 condo in Chicago, or a 3-bedroom, 2-bath 1.5 story in Mpls.

That's depressing... All that money so I can sit here and bitch about everything. Hmm.

I feel a little like Ahmad Abdul Rahim in The Bad News Bears , when he's discussing the merits of adding All-World Kelly Leak to his embarrassingly bad Bears.

Someone hits a ball over the left field fence, and Kelly Leak, a cigarette-smoking, Harley-Davidson driving punk 13-year-old, fires the ball back, on a line to the first-baseman. Coach Buttermaker and the rest of the team is in awe. None of the other players could get the ball halfway back through the outfield, but now they've just witnessed this baseball bad-boy phenom zing the ball as well as any high-schooler.

When Buttermaker asks who the kid is, Ahmad replies:

"That's Kelly Leak."

"He's one bad mother. Talk about a LOAN shark. I borrowed a nickel from him on Tuesday, and he told me if I didn't give him a dime by Friday, he'd break my arm."
-- Ahmad Abdul Rahim

"El es bandido!"
-- Jose Agilar

Damn right he's a bandit! But, he just happens to be essential to the Bears if they want to even sniff the playoffs. So, it's a tough call. Do they really want this punk-ass vagabond bandit on thier team? Or would they rather take their chances without him?

Well, The Bears decided to convince Kelly Leak to play for them, and they ended up making the playoffs. Without Kelly, they were 1-3, losing their first two games by a combined 44-0 score . After they picked up Kelly, The Bears went 15-0 to make the playoffs. Good move.

That pretty much sums up my decision-making process in deciding to go back to school. I could either settle for a lifetime of 1-3, or I could bite the bullet and pay the bandit to improve my chances.

The results are yet to be seen, but so far it's looking good. The only conclusion I've drawn thus far is: Northwestern University is one BIG GODDAMN LOAN SHARK.

I'm really looking forward to re-applying for financial aid again next week.

El es BANDIDO!