Things have not gone well for me today, although some might argue that I am the one responsible. Perhaps a look back on the day's events will help clarify things.

Upon getting out of the shower this morning, I was confronted with a big-time decision. Should I apply the deodorant stick simply labeled "Deodorant" on a bland, white design, or go for the more colorful stick of Right Guard? Perhaps foolishly, I opted for the former. The poorness of this decision was evident almost immediately. Squirrels dropped from trees as I walked outside while holding up my umbrella. As I arrived at work, people began to place their fingers over their noses to avoid my scent.

Embarrassed, my inner voice asked me a series of important questions. Why had I purchased a stick labeled simply "Deordorant?" Why had I purchased two different types of deodorant? Who manufactures the nondescript variety? How does a product so awful even remain on the market?

I hadn't had time to answer these questions, however, when I spilled a grape soda on the carpet at work (my traditional 10 a.m. grape soda, that is). I went to the closet for some stain remover. Rather than take a bottle of Resolve, I trusted the label on a bottle marked "Leading Brand." It proved ineffective. After the fact, I was told by co-workers that the bottle of Resolve would have been about three times more effective.

After feeling foolish for some time, however, I snapped out of it when I saw a commercial on TV. New season of 24. Non-stop season starts next Sunday. Four hour, two-day premiere. Bitches.