There have been various people who "warned" me that, one day, Hunter would start saying "No." There were even a couple who felt it necessary to challenge me, assuming that since I was a parent, obviously I was constantly telling Hunter, "No," and they'd ask me accusatorily, "And then how will you feel/what will you do?"

Hunter started saying "No" a couple of weeks ago. My honest reaction?

I absolutely love it.


I think a lot of it is that I've never been in the habit of ordering him around. Most of my requests are just that: requests.

"Sweetie, could you please pick up the paper and give it to Mama? Thank you!"

"Hunter, could you please put Mama's hairbrush back in the drawer? No, sweetie -- back in the drawer. That's it! Thank you!"

If he refuses to comply with the request, I'll do it for him, i.e. pick up the paper or take the hairbrush from him and put it in the drawer. Since he usually very much wants to please, I don't see a point to making it a power play.


Or, at mealtimes, I'll ask if he wants squash or peas or whatever. If he says "No," that's okay. We're lucky enough that he enjoys healthful food, so there's always something he's willing to eat, and if he's not hungry at that moment, he'll eat when his appetite picks up again. (cf. above re: not being interested in power plays.)


If it's something that I don't want to introduce the possibility of a "No" answer, I simply make it a choice:

"Hunter, do you want to wear the grey sweatshirt, or the blue one?"


Of course, there are a few areas where I become Benign Dictator: safety ("You will NOT step off the curb unless you are holding my hand and we have checked both ways to make sure no cars are coming towards us"), medicine ("I know you don't want to, but you have to take it if I have to pry your jaw open by sticking my fingers into that little gap between your teeth" -- fortunately, it's very rare that I need to resort to that), diaper changing, bedtime, and stuff like that.


Because of this, the word "No" isn't confrontational -- it's empowering. Hunter learns that what he wants and feels matters, and I get to learn more about what he wants and feels. It's really cool. I adore watching him figure things out, and figuring out himself is the most wonderful exploration of all.