where to begin....
The events unfolding over the last week have caused me to pause and contemplate.
Not because he left the band, that was no surprise and not because some pretty reliable sources have brought to light that he is a complete dick.
I have had inklings of these things for quite a while now, but who am I to judge. I don't know him. Never have. He might have a mental imblance that makes him behave a certain way, for all i know. i have no way of understanding the impetus for people's bad behavior. I just know that mean peolpe suck , so there.
Truth is I was over him months ago, anyway. The great thing about celebrity crushes is that you can afford to be fickle and no one gets hurt. LOL
I do still love that band , though. I was rooting for them although i knew the odds were against it. i hope that they can rebuild and hold on to the following that they have cultivated.
But here is where the contemplation comes into play. It has brought to light the phenomena of online realtionships and how the past year has affected me.
See, this is the first experience i have ever had with message boards and the like. i probably would never have ventured into anything more than lurking if my best friend hadn't had such a positive experience on a message board of her own. i went into this naive and gullible. But, i was amazed and so comforted that there were so many women out there who shared my feelings, my outlook on life even down to political views. It was refreshing and exciting. but, I did let my ego get in the way. Thrilled when I was responded to and crushed when I wasn't. I took things sooo personally which I am known to do. i think i was the last one to realize that things were shifting and people were going different directions. I know I was moving, too. at first, I let this bother me and upset me.
See , I had grown to depend on this group for so much, too much I guess. It became my savior from boredom and , to a point, it became a barometer of my own self worth. Yes, I took it all too seriously. I see that now.
It was an interesting situation, though, because something about forming relationships over the computer screen allows boundries to be transcended that stand in the way of real relationships. intimacy happens fast. But just as fast, it can be shut down. I guess it is a lot like the celebrity crush. It is real, but at the same time, it is not.
What I have gained from this is far more positive than negative. I have met the most amazing , brilliant women and I have learned that human kindness and compassion does exist. And wholy shit! There are people who think and feel just like I do, so I am not alone afterall.
This is not goodbye, this is just me adapting to the situation as it has unfolded. I treasure my online relationships greatly and I still love everyone of them. now, I think i have an understanding of how things really are and I am at peace with that.to all of you, just know that I think of you all often and it makes me smile. I am here like always. That won't change.
soundtrack:Closing Time~ Third Eye Blind