As some of you may or may not know, I've been running a Dungeons and Dragons game for almost exactly three years now. It's gotten to the point where the characters involved in the game are pretty darned powerful, and I've been trying to figure out for the longest time exactly why it is that they're so successful. Finally, after much deep thinking and contemplation, it hit me.

It's because they don't stop actually doing things. If they would just be nice enough to stand still for a little bit, and just let me do something to them first, then it'd be all good. But, no, they actually have to think things out and take actions (although not necessarily in that order), and by the time I get to unleash the nefarious plans of the villains, said villains are a fine red spray.

It also doesn't help that when it comes to rolling dice, I truly, truly suck ass.

Case in point... this past Friday night. It's the first time in a while that we've gamed (since mid-November, actually), since people's schedules have been somewhat wonky. I figure, hey, maybe they'll be rusty. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to spring a surprise on them.

Ha! That'll teach me.

Basic setup - the town that the PC's have been terrorizing (yes, they're evil... it just sorta happened over the course of the game) finally got fed up, and called in an army of good guys to deal with them. We're talking bunches and bunches of guys in shiny armor on horseback, all of whom probably sounded like Dudley Do-Right when they spoke. I mean, they even had a giant dragon with them! These good guys gathered around the local temple (which the players converted over to a somewhat more evil power) and were getting ready to bring it back to the happy holy goodness of their preferred power-that-be.

Power-that-is? Whatever. You get the idea.

The group, black-hearted dastards that they are, don't like the idea of this, and decide it'd be cute to put a stop to it. Here it was - the comeuppance that I've been waiting to deliver to the party for so long. Good was no longer lying down and taking it like a rented mule, here they were standing up for glory! For honor! For everything holy and good and...

"I make us all invisible."

Hrm.

"I summon a tyrannosaurus to attack the villagers."

Wow.

"I teleport behind the procession of priests, and swing at them with my greatsword for, oh... *roll* 170 damage."

Eep.

"I open a portal to a plane of pure negative energy beneath the procession."

You what? Okay, they fall in, but the blast of energy that comes through turns some of the nearby people into undead zombies.

"I take control of the zombies."

Fuck. Okay, army of undead in town now.

"I take a sniper shot at the giant dragon with my crossbow. If it hits, he has to make a check to see if he's assassinated."

Piece of cake, the dragon's enormous and is tougher than a brick shithouse. All I need to do is not roll a 1 on this die, and everything'll be fine. And... oh. Hrm. That's a 1, isn't it?

Crap.

"I fling the dead dragon's body into the air and plop it down on the crowd of knights."

You do realize I said the dragon was the size of a church, right?

Oh, that's right. You do realize that.

Just wait till they see what I throw at 'em NEXT time!