~*~I'm having a terrible realization moment...It's really over isn't it? I noticed that Stan took the link to my journal off of his own. He's definitely not coming around here anymore... .___.

*sigh* ...staring at a computer screen. I don't know anymore. I did my best to explain. In my last response, I tried to be optimistic and encouraging about the situation. I was really hoping that Stan would understand and not get so...dramatic about it. Is he going to start hating me now just because I want to make my own decisions? He is old enough to make his own decisions too and no one, not even his parents, should tell him otherwise. I hope he does not say negative things about me. I say this because I noticed in the past how he would talk to me about people close to him who have left. Well, I won't say anything bad about him; there is nothing bad to say at all. People have the right to make decisions. Tsk, it just does not make sense to stay upset.

~*~I would like to point out that I WILL be still single after five years. Believe it. All I'm doing in college is study my butt off so I can get a degree. No relationships at all. I'm serious.

~*~I thought that a lot of good things came out of the relationship. I don't think it was a waste of time. Commitment, patience, endurance, the whole nine yards pretty much. And music. I thought of giving Stan another chance because he seemed so sincere about what he said...it's just the way he expressed himself that made me feel idiotic, intimidated, and guilty. I don't want to feel guilty anymore. My concern for him and his situation is immense and I REALLY wish I could help. When trying to talk something out, both people have to be mature about it, not condescending. I felt really hurt. If I told my mother that I wanted to give Stan another chance, she would tear me to shreds with a lecture. I feel so torn up inside, like...a piece of paper being shredded then put back together, then getting shredded again, like a never-ending cycle. I'm not even a baptized Witness yet! I'm just one girl, trying to do the right thing in God's eyes. And just trying to get by in life, despite circumstances. C'mon, at least give the girl some time, she's got too much on her plate right now *hears mother* Arrgh, I don't need this right now! I don't want to be bothered, I just want to be left alone for now...

~*~I'm mentally crying, but fortunately not doing it physically. I'd look like a waterfall. Uhm...I walked over to the playground and was on the swing set for about an hour. In the rain. Playgrounds always make me feel better though. I'm such a child at heart. Jeez, I don't want to go to sleep yet. I'll be thinking too much to do that.

~*~Just putting it out there:
I was really trying to avoid using phrases like:

"If you love me, you'll do such-and-such..."
"You don't get it" or "You don't understand"
"If you don't do such-and-such, I'll leave you..."
"I feel like my heart's been ripped out..."
etc.

I mean really, save it for the poetry and the prose. It's so not original. I've heard stuff like that so many times in other places that it sounds cliche. There are better ways of expressing it, I'm sure. Discussion should not be dramatic, but rather it should be mature. Of course, feelings should be expressed, but not to the point it will scare off the other person ((like I was...))
Legally speaking, Stan and I are both adults, so as adults we probably should have handled it in a more mature way. Granted, I'm still a teenager, age-wise, but I'm not stupid.

~*~I really don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. Well, it's like Jesus said, "Don't be anxious. Each day has its own problems." Hmm, I will try to keep that in mind.

~*~This journal hold too many memories. I'm not sure if this will be my last entry. Maybe it will be for a while, until at least I feel completely ready. I have a single mother raising four kids and taking care of two cats without any financial help from my father (('cuz he's a jerk)). Mama is really hounding me to get a job soon. I'm trying, I really am.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

7.1.10>>> *same as initial entry* I am in a ranting mood right now.

Today was the last day of driver's ed. class and it fortunately went by quickly. I am at the library now, waiting for my mother to come pick me up. Meanwhile, I'm listening to acoustic guitar *see new link Chris Floyd's Guitar* and pondering things. I said something really stupid to Stan the other day and now he doesn't want to talk to me and now I feel really bad. I'm just waiting and hoping he'll respond. Sounds a little desperate, doesn't it?.. I don't know what to say except to say sorry (and I am honestly and sincerely sorry), but I don't think it's enough. Me and my stupid mouth..

Man, 90% of the time these days I feel guilty whenever I talk about the subject. It's like, "why?" I am an overly optimistic person, but I can't deal with stuff like this. I just can't. Well, at least I said sorry, it's what all I can do for now. If he doesn't want to say anything, or talk to me, I am actually ok with that. There are so many depressed or negative people that I've met that I really am just calloused to it; it doesn't waver me at all. The cure of an upset is to forgive and forget.

Honestly, unless if you have clinical or weather-related depression, a person has to decide whether or not he/she will stay depressed. Mope around or do something? It's your choice. I mean, I could be dead right now, but no, I actually did something about my depression, and I am a better person now. If you can't chage the situation, change your perspective. Anyways, like I said before, it doesn't make sense to stay upset. I suppose it was wrong of me to say what I said to Stan and I'm trying to figure out what moved me to say it.

If I were to put it bluntly, the reason why I said you-know-what is because I just happen to be a person who can bounce back quickly and just plain resilient, not letting anything get the best of me. I really can't just say I "get over things" quickly because I know in my heart that I'll never "get over" the fact we're not in a relationship anymore. If I were to put it secularly (not involving anything spiritual) I guess I'd have to say I can't put up with the negativity. (The spiritual rationale is a whole other story.) Really, I would do my best to help both of us put things in a positive perspective, but if I keep getting negative responses, I can't deal with that. And honestlty, 90% of what I hear sounds pretty negative to me. It's a pretty consistent fact: avoid negativity. Or at least try to. I didn't make that up, but that's my opinion. If anyone's got a problem with that, they can look that little number up in the hundreds of articles out there. Of course, I'm not going to say that I'm running from my problems, but if I did what I could, then I have no reason to feel bad. Stan, don't do this to me, please don't make me feel bad. Just forigve me. Some advice for everyone: despite everything, stay positive. I don't know what else to say. I did what I could, it's all in God's hands now.