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Diary of a Dungeons and Dragons Character

Dear Diary,

I have to piss. I can think of nothing else anymore. This has been going on for far longer than anyone would be able to endure, and yet I do. I persist, I continue. I have killed three dragons, rescued countless maidens, found more treasure than I ever could have imagined, and all these accomplishments count for nothing, because I cannot enjoy any of it. I spend all of my free time trying to comprehend why it is that this has happened to me. It feels as though there is some unseen force controlling my actions, and this particular unseen force seems to have forgotten that I am a human being and have bodily functions. I am treated no better than an animal - and yet, an animal may urinate as, and where, he pleases. I am afforded no such luxury, for luxury it would surely be - the sweet glory and relief of letting that golden stream fly. Oh God, I must not think about it, or I would surely weep.

No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I seem to have every adventure possible, except for the one I yearn for so much - an adventure to the privy. It is not to be, apparently. Yet I eat. I drink. I have gone to more fucking taverns in the last handful of months alone than anyone ever goes to in their entire goddamned fucking life (and at every single one, I seem to meet someone important. What the hell?). And in that time, oh, the beer I have drunk. Suspiciously, I have not actually gotten intoxicated, not once, and yet I drink. So, so much. More mugs of beer than I could ever recount, and not once have I relieved myself. I feel as though I am going to explode, and yet, impossibly, I live on.

Today, one of my teammates was killed. A childhood friend of mine, whose parents for some reason named him Ravenwood Blademoon. A retarded name, to be sure, but no less so than the rest of my teammates. He was killed. I could not weep. I shed no tears. In fact, deep down I feel good - I envy him. I know that he has gone to his final reward, where no doubt he is pissing up a storm. If only I were so lucky. I no longer desire to live. All I want is to take a whiz.

While I'm at it, I really have to shit too.

---- and back to the show.

So, on to the reason why I am annoyed. I got a call from my sister this morning. Aside from seeing if she told me that she now has a job (pretty cool gig, nude posing for a life drawing class for 15 bucks an hour) but that my wonderful, recently married brother... is in jail.

Apparently he got drunk/stoned/whatever and beat the hell outta his new wife.

I'm also annoyed at my so-called friends back home, who have agasin approached my sister for money. They are always borrowing money, still owe me about 300 bucks from way back when, are using one of my little brother's cars and put it in their own name behind his back, and other random stupid things that I cannot even begin to comprehend with that situation.

It's nice being almost a two hour drive from my hometown. It's really too far away for anyone to bother me with anything, and a bit inconvienent for me to get over there with no car to come to the rescue as I am all too familiar with doing.

On a happy note, there's will hopefully be a big, great game tonight hosted by my chapter. I hope it turns out good and is fun. We're expecting almost a hundred. I am so glad I am not storytelling it.

Tomorrow should be cool too. Going to hang out on a boat with Kody, Jenny, Erik, and the rest of the Star Trek crew and just chill on a boat and Trek all day. Haven't been down there (ocenside) for a while so it should be neat.