Saturday

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"I probably have not killed anyone in America because I write, I've maintained good controls over myself by writing." - Sonia Sanchez
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I had not thought about this in years until a friend brought it up concerning our childhood. When I was a child I wasn't aware of the secrets but I did know this:

Don't talk.
Don't trust.
Don't feel.

And, please God, make me invisible.

This was what it was like growing up in an alcoholic home. I didn't know that our home life wasn't normal.

Mother was always raging and Dad was silent, hiding behind his stack of books and magazines in his chair in the corner.

I did follow those secrets most of my life; but, every now and then the rebel in me would rear her head and I did talk, I did trust, and I did feel.

The outcome you might ask?

Most of the time I learned people could not be trusted and I pulled my walls around me and pulled up the drawbridge to my castle and just watch life go about its merry way.

Thankfully, I did make some good and close friends to where I could share what was going on with me. I could be . . . just me.

Then I found Al-Anon where I met more people who had experienced some of the stuff I did and we shared our experience, strength and hope. Today I am grateful that I feel okay to talk, to feel, and to trust.

Life is pretty good these days and I am glad I am in it.
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I still feel like crap and I have cancelled my appointments for the day. I am going to my chair and read for awhile.

mz. em

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Currently reading:

--"Don't Blink" James Patterson and Howard Roughan
-- "Living, Loving & Learning" - Leo Buscaglia, Ph.D.
-- "The Daily Book of Art/356 readings that teach, inspire & entertain" - day 111
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