Having never come up with a "name" for her before, I am now hard pressed to figure out what I call one of my more respected (in my eyes anyway) friends in my journals. This is hard enough, but the fact is that usual she's given me something to think about which I want to write on, but I don't want to sound like I'm imitating... Gah, I could just make the entry private I guess and not worry, but I think I ned to vent this really.

So I think I will call her Playboy Mommy, not really having to do with kids so much as other things...

Anyway, she was writing about how now that she is in a relatively stable time, is when she feels like she's going to break...and I've been realizing much the same thing. Now that my life i "back on track"...for the most part, it feels as if the small things are what is splintering me and causing me to shred.

The transsexual parent who died of hepatitis C? Piece of cake. The fact that I couldn't have physical contact with the above named parent for the same reason? I dealt. The number of times that I've felt suicidal and pushed it away because other people needed me? Countless. Being raped? Didn't make a dent in comparison.

But now it's little things... Things like the "decision" coming up, things like people spreading gossip about me. I'm feeling more and more bent every day, and I'm wondering how far this branch goes before we hear that sickening crack that reveals that it is without hope.

The Happy Worker has been listening to three women who hate me tell her that I have been talking shit about her. And why shouldn't she believe them? After all, she's clutching at straws to find a reason to hate me, since she has to justify lying to me for months about how she felt and what she thought.

I find I know they're more fucked up than I was/am, and yet that doesn't make it possible for me to forgive them. It just makes me more angry that I have to (once again?) be the stable, rational, sane, and careful human being while they get to be irresponsible. And horrible. And yes, I know that many who respect/love me don't feel that way towards them, but it just seems so god damn unfair.

No, I'm not trying to paint myself as the victim of this unfairness, I got over that years ago, when I realized that the "system" is inherently flawed, and the hands we're dealt never really amount to much. That's not where this entry is/should be going...

It's just that on some level I want satisfaction from the universe, and being able to point a finger and say "that one's fat and ugly, that one's not getting laid, that one's never going to be happy with herself, and that one deserves what she gets" isn't fucking cutting it for me.

But I don't even know where to begin with it otherwise. I'm trying to avoid the trap that I can see coming, wanting to live in altered states of consciousness because they're easier to handle. Yes, I know I have an addictive personality. It's why I smoke/drink/swear/fuck like a bunny given the chance. I'm trying desperately to avoid the trap that is laying there in the open road. It's even labeled "trap".

But it would be a glorious way to go.