Dear Bill Gates,

I would like to thank you for the spiffy new Microsoft Office 2007 program I was forced to purchase for half the price of an actual laptop. I am particularly pleased with how Word randomly switches back and forth between two open documents with no prompting necessary from the user, who - let's face it - is really just getting in the way of your fine programming.

I also love that no matter how many times I change the "default" settings, Word refuses to stop putting extra spaces between my paragraphs. That's just too funny. And the way it freezes for five minutes every half an hour to create a "back-up file" I neither need nor want is really a hoot.

I also think it's great that I had to delete two years worth of saved e-mails in order to use Outlook to retrieve current messages. I especially appreciate how you informed me on your website that it was a "known problem" that having more than, say, four saved e-mails could cause Outlook 2007 to take literally two hours to download two new messages. I think shipping software with catastrophic "known problems" such as this really helps customers to find practical, everyday uses for those meditation classes we've been taking at the community center.

Oh, and we can't forget how you've helpfully changed the file extension in your 2007 edition to .docx, which is unrecognizable to all other editions of Word that 99% of my colleagues and editors use. I just love that special feature.

Keep up the good work.

Yours in deep-seated anger,
Ashley