If you asked a random sampling of 100 American women what celebrity they would most like to be stranded with on a desert island - or at least stranded in a two-room suite at the Bellagio - 98* of them would say George Clooney. And up until Sunday, I would've voted with the majority.

He is perhaps the last movie star to still have just a little bit of mystique. Charming but coy. Handsome but not too handsome. Cary Grant and Dean Martin all rolled into one. Assuming Dean Martin would ever become a UN peace envoy to Darfur.

Then came the Oscars, and everything just fell apart.

Georgie arrived with his recent girlfriend, a lovely brunette who unfortunately was wearing a dress that looked like couch upholstery. But I'm sure that wasn't her fault, and it's not the point. The point is when Georgie shows up to such a high-profile event with a woman it is the journalistic duty of the reporters present to dig up a little background.

She's a 28-year-old cocktail waitress in Vegas whose greatest claim to fame is having been a contestant on the gross-out T.V. show Fear Factor where she drank blood and ate a scorpion cocktail.

I...I...what?!

I need a moment for the disappointment to finish filling my soul.

Okay, moment over. I'm going to go rent North by Northwest and pretend none of this is happening. Yes, there was at least a fifty percent chance Cary Grant was gay, but that doesn't dampen a girl's crush nearly as much as a cocktail waitress munching on insects. That's just disgusting.



*The other 2 are going for Johnny Depp, who's fine except we probably wear the same size clothes and sometimes he forgets to bathe.