Dear British Rail System Chef -

Part of this was my fault. I was hasty. Finding ourselves ravenous, my husband and I decided to consume what we imagined would be lunch while aboard your train between Bath and London. I realize now my error, and I apologize. The terms "menu" and "hamburger" confused us.

We see now that what you were really offering us for twenty pounds - that's about $36 - was, well, I don't know what it was. But it was not food. Food is consumable. And spiceless, boiled - oh yes, I said BOILED - hamburger meat is not consumable. Except perhaps by starving zoo animals, but even that's sketchy assuming they could navigate your absurd lack of clear station signage.

Do you know what happens to ground meat when you boil it? Have you looked closely? Let me tell you. It turns gray. Yep, gray. No other word will do. It's gray. Gray on the outside, gray on the inside, gray through and through. Yes sir-ee. And the texture? I've never eaten a bit of underdone brain before, but I do imagine they share many of the same gooey, gelatinous qualities.

There is just no amount of condiments that can fix that, including the "brown sauce" that you have everywhere. What is that, by the way? "Brown sauce?" Could the name be less enlightening? Is it gravy? Worcestershire? Au jus? Good God, man, give me something to go on. Because let's face it, at this point, I'm not really willing to go in for a blind taste test.

You may not be aware of this, but your beloved country is suffering a bit in the food reputation department. I'm not blaming you per se. And that fish and chips I had back there? They were just dandy. (We will not speak of the "mushy peas.") And the rabbit and ale pie? Just fine, even if you do insist on serving French fries with every single meal. Still fine! Keep the pints of hard cider coming, and I hardly notice.

But boiled hamburger? No, sir. That is where I draw the line. I draw it! Right here on this train.

I will not eat it, Sam I am. I will not eat gray meat, by damn.