Ach, a hard day. A visit from my sister-in-law, as she still terms herself, although I left her brother over thirty years ago and he's been married twice since then. I think of her as ED's auntie and she is a kind and decent woman who has been bullied all her life, first by her mother then her husband. She came with a gift for me to take up to ED - SIL is 70 and doesn't want to travel on motorways in the dark (that's her connection, not mine) so she won't go up there till the days are longer. She's one of those people who tells you she's fine and happy but always gets in the stories of how people have been mean to her, some of them going back over sixty years and I've heard them before, so many, many times, but once she's started, she's away, there's no stopping her or nudging her into a new direction and a part of me wants to tell her for fuck's sake, leave the bastard, your mother's dead now and can't give you hell for it so either leave him or shut the fuck up. He's always been a nasty piece of work, lord of his domain, throwing in her face all the time that she promised before the god that she, not he, believes in to obey him, which always brings her into line, but man, that's no way to live. And is that really what you think your god wants for you? To be an isolated, unpaid skivvy to a cold, unpleasant man?

I've had it with religious people saying they're praying for me and ED. Look around you - look at the state of the world, the suffering going on all over the place, never mind me and ED. God ain't listening or if he is he just don't care. Yet o come let us adore him, and all that fucking bollocks. If he is in charge of everything, he's a sadist, a cruel twisted megalomaniac, but he isn't because it's all just a fucking story, any one of several stories, take your pick.

And breathe...

Later, in a vain attempt to walk my 6,000 steps, I drove over to Sis's, parked on the beach side of the river and walked into town across the new footbridge, right in the teeth of an icy gale, which was invigorating and nasty. I still can't seem to take a pic that isn't blurry:



though that won't stop me posting them. Just realised that all the blurry ones are my phone, so maybe the lens is dirty.

I feel heavy, as if gravity has been increased. My inclination is towards the horizontal.

Things that are pissing me off: fracking, jesus, just when you think it can't be any worse, any more greedy, short-sighted and irresponsible, along comes this; the lies being told by our government about poverty in this country - unbelievable - the EU has offered money to help out citizens who are reliant on food banks (previously unheard of since WWII in central Europe) and were turned down by our govt as unnecessary; adverts coming up before it'll let me play scrabble; adverts in general; how dirty my bathroom is; how messy my bedroom is; the sheer number of people being convicted of despicable crimes against children; hating everyone - I don't like feeling this way, but I do - everyone can fuck off; happy people - they can fuck off double fucking quick time and not come back; the fact that everything closes over Christmas and the new year - no singing, no yoga, R (my counsellor) goes to Goa, despite the wise words of Dr Larry Love:

'Cos the righteous truth is, there ain't nothing worse than
some fool lying on some Third World beach wearing
spandex, psychedelic trousers, smoking damn dope
pretending he gettin' consciousness expansion. I want
consciousness expansion, I go to my local tabernacle
an' I sing with the brothers and sisters



Grateful for: Sis, almost as grumpy as me; Glasto - must hold onto the fact that I can go to Glasto next summer and sleep in a tent within the sound of the Pyramid stage (no idea who's playing yet - how will they follow the Stones?); leftover soup for supper, zero effort; I have some Xanax, which are said to be very nice, will take one in a minute; getting a parking space right outside my front door - why does that make me want to never drive again?

Sleep well xxx