At YD's having passed through feeling much much worse (failed to get myself to either singing, which I love, or to a mammogram which is a bit scary) into quite a lot better. YD is the only person in my real life who has to work as hard as I do at managing herself to keep out of the pit, since KF, and it's not ideal as I would prefer to be able to be more of a solid, reliable mother, and to share this kind of chat with another adult - as would she, but she doesn't have anyone else either and at least we do have each other. We've both been aiming too high for what is not just normal ups and downs that every life passes through, but a nasty run of deaths and the loss of YD, and this is hard, serious shit that's come after a long, long run of lesser but not insignificant shit. We both discover that we can do very little without unravelling, but that we need to do something. I'm quite stoned and it's later than I meant to be awake. Tomorrow we might go and look at some Rubens paintings celebrating the bounteous curves of big women. And possibly a boat up the Thames - I do love a boat trip. Laters xxxx

Grateful for: YD; a nice big mattress to sleep on, piled up with quilts and pillows; YD's BF, who just joins in with our chat in the easiest and best way, as if he's just one of us, which he is; surviving a journey up here in the driving rain and Friday traffic; being out of the pit

xxxx