Home again. Overdone it again.

Tried a bit of guided mindfulness meditation using youtube and after two days I feel sadder and tireder than ever. Or maybe just in touch with my sadness and tiredness rather than fighting them and/or trying to be in denial about them.

I was going to visit ED this week but Son wants to come with me next week, so I'll wait till then. He hasn't seen her since May (I think) so her deterioration will be a big shock to him. He knows about it in theory but the reality of seeing his sister's body with someone else inside it will be very different. I feel we may need a grown-up to look after us, me and Son.

I managed half an art class today - she talked a lot about negative space at the beginning and concentrating enough to absorb what she was saying (rather than letting the words wash over me) took every last drop of energy I had. Hideous. So the theory is that many of us draw 'badly' because a) we don't look properly and b) we've stored a crap template for how things look and will usually do that first. Like trees - we all know how to draw bad trees. But if, instead of drawing the trees we draw the spaces between the branches:



we'll forget about everything except the lines, their length and angles to each other and when we stop, trees will appear.

I just used that pic as an example, it's way too intricate for beginners. We had a pile of leaves to lay out on a page and then draw. Looking that intently finished me off, so I made my apologies and fell down the stairs and into the coffee shop opposite where I sat and stared at passing people with my mouth open for quite a long time.

I saw my Dr yesterday and she tells me that all this is entirely to be expected in the circs and to try and let it be. I probably need to turn the computer off, instead of twatting about on it on and off all day, getting livid and despairing by turns about the state of the world and the lack of any conceivable action that will have any impact. Causes for concern include: Global warming; third world mega-poverty; the hoovering up of the world's wealth into fewer and fewer hands; their lack of accountability or decency; the destruction of the NHS; fracking; the utter bollocks talked about the Coke advert - they are a bunch of shameless bastards flogging an addictive, nutrient-free product that can be used to clean toilets, dissolves a coin left in overnight - at one point they had saleswomen in nurses uniforms pushing it to young mothers in S America as a tonic for their babies and suddenly they're the saviours of multi-culturalism - give me a fucking break - they're no better than drug dealers.

Ah well. Took my sleeping pills just now in an attempt to be able to wake up in time for yoga tomorrow and am going all woozy.

I am grateful for: My bed, my home, my kids, my friends, both virtual and 'real'; staying alive for another day

Sweet dreams xxx