Thursday night and I'm at the mobile home with GS and SIL. GS has toothache so I'm taking him to the dentist first thing, and today wore ED out so she was almost asleep when we left her early evening. It's weird being here without her. Silent. Also weird without all the equipment that had accumulated - hoists and walkers and grabbers. So it's better in that way, feels like a home again, but still.

I'm glad I did that thing the other day of 'what's the worst that can happen?' as I needed the reminder that what I had to do was stop and breathe. Son was meant to be coming with us and has a phone with satnav, so he was going to direct me to the clinic where ED had an appointment. I was due to collect him from the station at 10.45, for the appt at 11.30. At 10.30 he texted me to say the train he was on only went to the next nearest station so could I get him from there. Where was he now? Finchley Road. Finchley fucking Road??!!?? That's at least an hour away - bloody hell, he hadn't even checked how long the journey was and just assumed it was 'normal' as if that means anything in terms of transport across London. So he didn't come.

I already had ED in the van, so just blindly set off - ach I'm not going through it all. Suffice it to say there were stops for breathing, for grappling unsuccessfully with google maps on my phone, for asking directions. There were tears, silent, mine, and swearing, also mine. We arrived ten minutes late; the woman was lovely and I calmed right down.

It was an assessment session and by the end of it she was not at all sure what if anything could be offered but said she would consult far and wide in search of an expert who may be able to help. ED was articulate for ten minutes or so with me outside, then she reached exhaustion but carried on, making wild statements so I was called back in, I explained ED's need to rest and we filled the hour, a bit at a time. Worth it, I hope.

Then it was off to the park with the lake, which I believed I could find again, but only with 50% of my mind. The other half went into panic mode, so that was another interesting journey, including fifteen miles on the motorway - scary. The set up with the wheelchair means ED's face fills the central rear-view mirror and I could see that my tension was rubbing off on her, but there's nowhere safe to stop and calm down on a motorway - the hard shoulder is not conducive to relaxation with lorries hurtling past right next to you, and it's not safe either, as they do tend to hit parked cars. But my memory was good and we finally arrived in the safe hands of mother nature



and spent a nice couple of hours mooching about. It was the first time we've been out since she's lived in the care home when it's been proper warm - bloody lovely. We ate at the cafe and sadly the food there is shite. The other place has wonderful, extra-yummy food but the walk is hard. This one has a flat walk, a lake and shite food. I guess we'll have to alternate.

Coming back here the traffic was hell but that meant I stopped in these beautiful woods - my favourite part of the drive to and fro as the light through the trees is sublime. Don't know if that's reflected in this photo as the screen on my laptop is fucked:



and then we had Sunset Over the Mobile Home Park:



so we didn't do too badly today. Although SIL only has food in microwaveable meals for two, the two being him and GS, so all I've eaten this evening is two bowls of cereal. I think I'll find somewhere nice to eat after I've taken GS back to school in the morning - or maybe before.

Today I am grateful for: the techniques I have learned to steady myself; a nice chat with my bro who is visiting ED this weekend; not having to sleep on that horrid camp-bed tonight; surviving the evening with SIL quite painlessly; nature