Today has been peculiar, but eventually I sussed out what was going on. I've been trying to avoid my feelings about not being able to ask ED for memories of YD as a child or to discuss the speech or the wedding or anything at all. And today's emotion has been anger, but as I've had things to do, places to go, I've channelled all that anger elsewhere, and I'm still fuming so here it is, in the hope that I'll be over it once I've written it all out.

[And I am - I feel like deleting it, but I won't. In case anyone new has happened by, I'll say upfront that I think that both the American govt and the British govt are corrupt and venal and that neither are remotely interested in the welfare of their citizens apart from the already rich and powerful. I am proud to be friends with a whole load of wonderful Americans, some of whom I LOVE quite fiercely, including a few who hold views that I strongly disagree with. Really I think the idea of nations is on its way out - the big money has all the control and the rest of us could do with uniting against it, but that's by the by]

So, I've got this online pal, Art, who has picked himself up and started again more times than any human being should have to. There has been damage done along the way - he is a very particular person and who knows if he'll ever be properly rehabilitated into general society, but we go back a long way now and I'm on his team. He lives alone, in a city he's only moved to recently and his social life takes place on facebook. He posted this yesterday:

My pal Art: howdee folks!! its thursday again!!! did you see that snowden interview on NBC last night? do you think he is a traitor for telling us about the govt. spying on all our cell phones and computers and stuff?? if he put agents and troops in harms way, i think he is. he was asked if he did that, and he skated around the answer!! what say ye?? did he harm the country, or did he expose the govt in some wrongdoing? have a happy thursday!!
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and this was the only reply when I saw it:

DDA: I think Snowden was looking for attention, but I didn't see last night's interview. Yes, he's a traitor by any definition!
Yesterday at 14:15 · Like · 1

Excuse me? A traitor 'by any definition'? I haven't embroiled myself in one of Art's threads for a while because most of his friends are people he met at an Elvis convention and I don't have anything to contribute to the conversation, but I feel that the idea of Snowden as a traitor (instead of a person who wants a better, more ethical America) is being used to distract from the very real issue of a major crime being committed by a govt agency, a crime against ME, amongst millions of others - those fuckers can read everything I write online and may well have done so, me being a leftie and all, so I'm entitled to comment and chipped in with:

Annanotbob: I absolutely disagree - the govt were behaving disgracefully, spying on everyone, not just US citizens, but all of us - you think he should have kept quiet about that? He didn't reveal anything at all to endanger troops. He's the hero for risking his life to let the world know what was going on. I think in America there's a misunderstanding of patriotism - it doesn't mean loving the govt of the day no matter what they do.
Yesterday at 15:02 · Like · 1

and went to bed.

This morning, I checked my facebook before rushing off to my doctor's appt and lo! There had been a further contribution:

DB: I agree, Donnie!!!! Ms. Mills, as an American and daughter of a retired LT COL (Army) and soldier of two tours in Vietnam (as a Marine) defending our country, I one, take great offense to your grouping all Americans as "misunderstanding patriotism" , and two, you have not been paying attention if you think we "love the government of the day". WE ARE INTELLIGENT people that are quite capable of thinking on our own!!
12 hours ago · Edited · Like · 2

which just made me FUME all day, for many reasons, not least for being so stupid and claiming intelligence. On a normal day I'd have laughed and forgotten it, but today wasn't normal - I needed a focus for my FURY at this unjust world, and this DB stepped into the vacancy.

In the end I think I made a fairly measured response - I didn't write: what the fuck has your father's military career got to do with anything? Am I meant to make deductions about your character from this or am I meant to be intimidated? I went nowhere near the description of the Vietnam war as 'defending our country', despite the fact that I was bugged about it all day. I checked back to see if I had made any statements about all Americans and I hadn't as I don't believe for a second that any generalisation about any nationality has any validity, although she is making one by saying, or shouting via caps WE ARE INTELLIGENT - well, not all of you are, sweetheart, any more than all of us are. So I was a bit snarky:

Annanotbob Interesting response, D. You seem to want it both ways - on the one hand you're offended by my suggestion that there's a misunderstanding (not by 'all Americans' - just some) of the difference between patriotism and following the govt of the day, yet you support Donnie's calling Snowden a traitor for disclosing criminal activity on a global scale by your govt. Why are you angry with him not them? They are spying on private citizens and politicians across the world - why aren't you offended by that? Where did I say anything about intelligence? What has your father's military career got to do with any of this? I write as the daughter of a British airman who escaped from a German prison of war camp - does that give my opinion more authority? How about as the mother of a son with a law degree? No, didn't think so?
6 hrs · Like · 1

DB: Then Anna, you should be smart enough to not group all Americans in your statement. That is the intelligence of which I speak. You did not say "some"! Where do I want it both ways? Your statement insinuates that each American cannot think on their own. NEVER did I say I wasn't offended by nor angry with the government agencies involved. I do not currently "love" the government but that does NOT make me unpatriotic, hence my remarks concerning my father's service, to show that I am very patriotic without "loving" my current government. Also, my older son is going to law school and my younger son is going to be going to medical school , also a member of MENSA and BETA. Somehow these facts mean something to you. They seem more informed about the facts than most foreigners. I am married to a Canadian citizen and have lived in that country where they are QUICK to diminish Americans as a whole instead of individuals. Bottom line: American bashing does not show complete knowledge of the situation. You seem to be very certain that Snowden's actions did NOT put any military personnel in danger. A fact you cannot be certain of!!!
4 hrs · Like

And I couldn't be arsed after that. I mean, it's been a year, I don't recollect any major incidents involving the loss of American military that could be attributed to him, and if 'they' had the info they'd have used it by now, surely. So I wrote:

Annanotbob I'm not going to discuss this any more as you persist in misreading what I write. At no point have I made any statements regarding ALL Americans.
4 hrs · Like

DB: I agree no further discussion. Read your first post.
4 hrs · Like

DB BTW: "Heroes" DO NOT RUN AND HIDE!!! Heroes are the men and woman who run towards the front line for their country!!!

But I didn't rise to the bait because she's being silly and there's no point. I hate the military. I hate the hypocrisy of 'thou shalt not kill' apart from when we say so. Taking anyone's life is WRONG. I hate reading through what I wrote on the thread and seeing that I wasn't always as clear as I could have been.

But today I mostly hate not being able to ever have a conversation again with my daughter. And we don't want to dwell on that because it just is.

Today I am grateful for: Seeing a different GP and getting investigations started into what the fuck is up with my legs; acupuncture; YD going to bed quite early; starting to really look forward to the wedding; and Glasto

Sleep tight xxx