Day two without tobacco and it's not very nice, to say the least of it. I wish I had given myself a bit more time between ED being OK and starting this - the effect of the withdrawal is like having a bucket of anxiety dropped all over me, the physical aspects, the sick tightness in the chest all that crap. But I have to keep going. Somehow.

I haven't seen anyone else today, which has resulted in becoming overwhelmed with self-pity, to which I am prone at the best of times, and this ain't that. And hatred. I feel quite a lot of hatred for stupid people who get on my nerves and that's just about everyone today but at least I'm managing to write something even if it is grumpy and illiterate.

Bed now and apologies for this - it's horrible, but that's fucking addiction - if we could just shrug and walk away then it would be something else.

This is where I say what I'm grateful for, honest to god I could punch someone right in the face, I cannot make myself feel grateful for any bloody thing today, well, apart from the roof over my head, and the health of my other two children and having a car, and a comfy bed and a computer to moan on, there, that's five, now piss off.