I think I saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel today. I had my one-to-one with H, who has been on holiday for a bit, and she helped me step back and see there are things I can walk right away from, so that's good.

For Smartiplants, who asked, here's a pic of my recent knitting - one finished teddy



snuggled down ready for posting, in the big brown bag I got my fish and chips in the other night which was luckily still on the floor, waiting to be made useful. I must say I was very pleased with this bear, who is off to be cuddled by some poor soul lost to dementia, and seems to have the perfect expression for being someone's baby.

I was going to go and see my baby girl tomorrow but it's bitterly cold and they're fucking about with the railways and I'm quite a lot mental just now. Or maybe I could be not mental for a bit but that would be a fearsome effort and I'm not sure how long I could keep it up. So we're not going.

Bex asked about the house purchase - it's creeping along through all the legal shit. There's a bedsit (studio apartment?) sale going on as well. As yet no one's mentioning any dates but I've never known a house purchase take less than a couple of months. I am more or less completely frozen about it, which is my ultimate anxiety response - I don't do fight or flight, I freeze. However I am an experienced mental health case, and know that it's just this bit that's shit, too much change, nothing to hang on to.

I shall be glad to leave this place in some ways - the stupid high ceilings make it impossible to keep warm - though it's a ridiculous size to even think of heating for one person and a cat to occupy.

I tell you what, America (because I know you're all listening), this debate about vaccinations (or the part of it that's drifting past my consciousness) is a bit bollocksy, don't you think? As if there's only one choice for sensible people to make. My kids didn't have the MMR, not because at that stage there was any suggestion of it causing autism, but because 1) a scientist I knew working at the university in the 80s reported that 'they' were testing a measles vaccination on our children (ie the British public) without our knowledge or consent, which at the time seemed a bit pointless as we all knew that measles, along with mumps and chicken pox was just a mildly unpleasant disease best contracted during childhood, and 2) when the MMR jab was being "recommended" the leaflet showed the most bizarrely emotive use of language I'd ever seen. Measles had been experienced by my generation (and ED's) as something treated with calamine lotion for the itching and a few days off, under a blanket on the sofa, then stop moaning and go back to school. Suddenly it's become a killer plague, creating misery and havoc, spreading like wildfire, except of course it wasn't and hadn't. I spent several weeks trying to find anyone who had even heard of an individual who had suffered complications of measles, without success. I already knew of one mother who'd contracted rubella during pregnancy and whose child consequently had major hearing loss, and in the course of asking about measles heard of several more, so I knew the rubella risk was real. My girls had the rubella vaccine and all three had those for diptheria, smallpox and polio, and whooping cough too, though a friend's daughter contracted whooping cough despite being vaccinated.

So altogether my conclusion was that Big Pharma were at it again, with the collusion of the government and that they could fuck off when it came to the MMR.

Now I gather that a few Americans have died of measles and those who chose not to have their kids vaccinated are the current equivalent of cheese-eating surrender-monkeys and anyone who thinks otherwise is either terminally stupid or unpatriotic. The only suggested reason for the choice is wanton gullibility in believing reports of a causative link to autism.

Ach, god knows why I've written all that. I can't remember if the younger two chose to have the MMR later - they're both in their 30s now so it's not my responsibility any more, thank fuck.

I am grateful for: a lie-in in the morning; getting all that off my chest; not being a teacher; diaryland being back; my hot water bottle

Laters xxx