1. Very scary stuff happening out in the world.

Well, that sentence has sat there alone for over half an hour, illustrating to me yet again that I can't write when I most need to.

2. While I'm being negative, which I am, I can't communicate anything other than platitudes right now, one to one. Ach, such bollocks. My brain is proper broken. I keep buying postcards to send to Reenie and then just look at them, mute.

3. It will get better soon, or at least it always has in the past, so it feels like a safe assumption. Probably after we move - that nearly got fixed for two weeks time, but there was a glitch too tediously complex to explain and it's settled back down to "soon" but it was very real for a while there. I don't want to leave here. The very thought makes me weep.

4. Weeping is one of my specialist areas, so don't be too alarmed.

5. I'm almost up to my limit with psychiatric services, another three weeks, of which next week is a week off, and I'm out the door, like it or not, progress or not, unless/until I become a danger to myself (or others) again. There is all this other stuff (services) that's been "outsourced" (privatised) but it's all so complicated to access and always with the fucking forms to fill in and the waiting for the assessment and the losing the will to persevere.

6. The landlord finally got me a new oven, a nice Bosch one at that. I am pleased about this, as it does majorly lessen the amount of defeat I am sucking up on a day by day basis. I am trying to remain as buoyant as possible by at the very least not feeding myself shit food, but this has been so fucking hard without an oven, as it requires active cooking. Now I am back to shoving whole raw things in the oven with a spatter of extra virgin olive oil and some basic shit like garlic/lemon/herbs spices as appropriate and going back to the sofa till the timer calls me to eat. I can do that.

7. And I've been sleeping like a fucking Olympic champion sleeper, I tell you. Early to bed, late to rise and a good couple of hours nap in the afternoon. Quite scary, so I'm being checked over on Saturday, in case there's something going on, beyond all that shite I know about.

8. There's an eclipse here tomorrow - in the south it'll only be about 80% but that's still a bit of an event. It's between 8.30 and 10.30 in the morning - the weather forecast is currently for cloud cover, but it keeeps changing so it might be visible. Hope so. I remember the one in 1999 - very spooky, silent birds, grey light.

9.I am so fat I can hardly wear any of my trousers and I feel squashed, lumpy, uncomfortable. If I'm to stop eating, where will I find comfort? I can't be wanking all the time, I'm an old woman.

I am grateful for: oven; bed; sleeping pills; longer days; being a granny

Sleep tight xxx