I can't believe how shocked I am that Reenie has gone, especially as she was clearly fading over the last weeks and days and I knew that. Man. Reenie.

I never have the words for the big stuff.

Maybe there just aren't the right words.

I'm angry with myself for my inarticulacy when it comes to writing person-to-person. I can witter on about fuck all for hours but when it comes to telling a dying friend how much their friendship has meant to me I can only manage a heart, or three fucking pathetic kisses.

Now I've written that, I can see that it's not strictly true - I did a good job on both my speech and the one my sister read at M's funeral this week, which although not the same, had equal weight. Fuck, what a week, no wonder I'm angry - I should be angry at fate, not myself for being unable to remain on top of my game in the face of all this - like Romeo in of Act 3 Sc1, I am fortune's fool (fool meaning plaything, not idiot).

Anyway, I have an hour on the computer before YD and SIL come to bed in my bedroom. I should be in the new room, but the lad who's laying the carpet didn't get up in time on Saturday morning to pick up the carpet from the yard, so now it'll be tomorrow and I'm on the sofa tonight. We're going to do better this time round, me and my girl. We've talked it through, where we felt the pressure, and there's no reason for it to escalate like it did before. I may not have written about that but it ended with us each having to go to A&E for emergency psychiatric help, followed by me coughing up for them to stay in a travel-lodge for a week.

I stopped smoking yesterday and lasted till 3 in the afternoon, by which time I was well mental. I did manage the Pride Parade in the hot sun - honestly, the weather has been so shite I took a cardie in case I got cold - no hat, no brolly to make shade - and my photos were all blurred, every last one, apart from the accidental one of my knee. Sigh. I really wanted to share the ones of the police who were actually in the parade - they always look so fucking happy you could almost like them and they'd had one of the squad cars done up with a rainbow - OK, I found a pic of it here

Anyway, my hour is up so I must away. Bloke is going to get some memory for the laptop which I hope means I'll get back to blogging. I've missed it and you.


Laters xxx