I've lived almost my whole life believing things would turn out for the best, that we have ups and downs, so any down will be followed by an up, and I've lost that. It just feels dark and lonely and horrible and I can't even reach out to anyone in real life because they've heard it all before, it just goes on and on, always the same and they all have their own burdens and losses and I'm sixty-one years old, not a fucking baby, so it's pointless wishing for someone to look after me and I don't know how to look after myself when it gets like this. I literally don't know what to do from minute to minute - I spent the whole day urging myself to get dressed, failed, to eat something, failed, to ask for help, failed, to tell the guest I'm expecting this weekend that I'm not well enough, also failed.

Tonight I mainly want to be someone else.