I've never had such a long space between entries, not in all the years I've been blogging. Partly it's been down to ill health - I've had flu for over two weeks and although it's easing off a bit, I'm still sleeping about fourteen hours a day and am full of aches and woozy as shit. Any little thing is exhausting and I am SO FUCKING PISSED OFF WITH IT. I'd like my health back and some energy. I'm stunned by appreciation of my ignorance of what it must be to live with ill health year after year. Fuck. I am lucky in the body I have and its ability to keep going most of the time.

The other reason for not writing has been being overwhelmed by stuff that's more about other people and their stories than is compatible with being discreet. Like the friend who is dying - where I just want to howl at the universe, don't let her die, but it's going to and I cannot bear it, but I have to, as does she, and I have to keep my anguish to myself as her shit doesn't need mine added in.

So there's that and awful, unbearable family shit that's not mine to discuss and massive feelings of hatred for someone, hatred and anger, but I can be almost certain that this is displaced from my anger at what's happening to my darling ED so I don't want to write it down because that makes it concrete. Better to have it wafting in and out of my mind in a wispy, insubstantial manner - well, it would be better though of course that's not how it is, instead it's waves of hot fury, but they are quite unreasonable, if intense, so where does that leave me? Fucked up, that's where I am, fucked up.

I do miss writing my gratitudes. I believe they give some kind of balance, even when I'm low and full of despair. Like now tbh. But I am grateful for a blog to moan in; a roof over my head; acupuncture tomorrow; steam to help with the dry cough; ginger tea

xxxx