I know I can witter on about inconsequential shite till the cows come home but when it comes to big stuff I'm fucked. I've been trying for days to write about Sarah Stepfordtart, who died this week of cancer. I can't bring myself to give it any other words. She was a bloody marvel of a woman, honestly, she was a diamond.

Here she is in Feb 2012, just after her first diagnosis, doing an art work about it, round at my lovely flat:



And here we both are, looking on the bright side, being philosophical, cos what else can you do:



Man.

She was the first bloggie I met in Real Life - I think it was the same for her - I know we were both accompanied by people who knew that without their presence we would be murdered and our bits scattered around the New Forest. We both tried to persuade these people (her then BF, later her H, and my pal M) that murderous types were not really likely to pick gobby middle-aged woman as targets, but they came along, hit it off at once, and dominated the conversation for quite a while as it turned out that both Stepfie and I are a bit shy in Real Life.

But we made it - I think that was 2005 - ha - I just found when I wrote about it:

"The most exciting part of the camping trip was meeting stepfordtart. I've delayed writing about this while I try and find a way to not embarrass her with my gushing enthusiasm, but have decided not to worry (much). But it's definitely a weird business, coming face to face with someone you've never met when you've been reading each other for ages. We already know all kinds of fairly intimate things about each other, so where do we start? I wanted to just crush her to my bosom and plead with her to BE MY FRIEND, but instead I was very restrained and mainly gawped at her like a fool. I tell you what, it felt like having a familiar fictional character materialise in front of me (brain instantly forgets virtually every fictional character in existence, so no examples come to mind other than Lenny and George or Elizabeth Bennet - all dead ringers for Stepfie). By the time I got there to meet her I'd accumulated a fair amount of anxiety as both B and M (and others I've mentioned it to since) were APPALLED at the idea of me meeting someone I'd 'met' on the internet. I tried explaining that it just ain't like that - I mean, I know we've all created our on-line personas to some extent, but if you wanted to do dodgy things to people you encountered on the net, there would have to be a better way than diaryland and possibly a more attractive target than a knackered granny. But they weren't convinced and wouldn't hear of me setting off alone so M came too. Which was OK, but it ended up with M and BF (who is indeed as adorable as I'd been led to believe, though I hadn't believed it till I met him) doing far more talking than me and Stepfie, as I just got quite pissed on an embarassingly small amount of alcohol and lost the power of behaving normally. Ho hum." August 2006

I've just posted this on facebook too: "In honour of my friend Sarah, who died this week, I would like to tell you all that I will have no truck with anything that claims to 'raise awareness of cancer' or do anything other than raise hard cash for more research. She was an amazingly talented, kind, beautiful, filthy, forthright friend, who threatened to punch anyone who tried to 'raise awareness'. We all know about fucking cancer. That's all. Bless you, darling. it was a privilege and a pleasure to know you xxx"

Because it was.

So. Tomorrow Kenny is going to shut down this journalscape where I actually write in the box. (Though I do copy and paste it in both diaryland and wordpress) My wordpress seems to be locked, god knows how or why - if anyone can send me detailed idiot-proof instructions on how to let it be unlocked I'd be grateful. I don't know if you need a wordpress account to comment. I hope not as I don't want to lose any of you dear souls who have stuck with me. I'm doing a lot on Instagram at the moment as pictures are easier than words and you don't need to upload them somewhere else first. I'm on there as annam46 if you want to check me out.

big hugs xxx